It is not being disloyal to your child to feel okay or happy at times. You might find yourself enjoying a special meal, a drink, the good company of friends, songs and music. You may find comfort in familiar rituals or religious services. Adjusting to life without your child means that hopefully, in time, you will find more joy in living, and not feel guilty about this. Look for creative ways to pass the time. It can be helpful to find ways to distract yourself, such as starting a craft project, going on an organised walk, doing a jigsaw puzzle or reading up about a place that you’d like to visit. Make your own decision about sending festive cards. Some bereaved parents choose not to. Others like to include their child’s name – for example - “Love from me and always remembering xx”. Try to talk with your family and friends about how you are feeling and your wishes for this time. Having even one person you can confide in can make a real difference because, unfortunately, not everybody in our circle will necessarily be sensitive to our pain. For surviving children or grandchildren, having a ‘normal’ celebration can be important. Their peers at school will be celebrating, and they may want to as well, even though this can be painful for us parents. Don’t put too much stress on yourself. If there are difficult relations who expect to visit or for you to visit them, try to make things easier on yourself. Tell them you can’t do it this year or introduce a time limit - “We’ll come over for a quick drink but will only stay an hour.” Take time out whenever you can, whether this is to go for a walk alone or with an empathic friend or family member. You may want to take yourself off to another room for periods of time to rest from the effort of making an effort, and to enable you to gather the strength to rejoin the event when you feel able to. Volunteering can be a positive distraction, and also provide you with company if you don’t have other family. For example, there are many charities that serve meals to the elderly or the homeless at this time of the year. But don’t feel that you need to take on anything you don’t have the energy or motivation for – try as best you can to be kind to yourself. Try to take some gentle exercise every day. This helps boost those much-needed endorphins.
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