Coping with overwhelming grief A nationwide organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after a child dies.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Nothing can prepare a parent for the pain we experience if our child dies. Our feelings can overwhelm us. Our sadness is deep and heart-rending. Our thoughts can go round and round endlessly. Our memories may become muddled. We may feel anxious or angry, guilty or confused. We may suffer inconsolable sadness and intense longing for our child. We agonise over the past and despair for the future. Sometimes we feel so much at once, whilst at other times we are numb. No two people are the same and we all grieve differently, but the following are also quite common: • Inability to stop thinking about what happened, and trouble concentrating on anything else • A sense of drowning under the weight of our grief • Feeling life has no meaning now that our child has died • Feeling numb, empty, or utterly flat • Intense feelings of loneliness and isolation • Flashbacks and intrusive memories • Anxiety or panic in social settings, including work or family gatherings • Anger towards people we blame in some way for our child’s death • Feeling disappointed and let down by some family and friends. When our grief is consuming us and we cannot think about anything else, we need coping strategies. In these pages we will look at some ideas for what might help, based on the experiences of other bereaved parents and the advice of grief researchers. Our situation, our memories, our personalities, our relationship with our child, and so many other factors are unique to ourselves. What helps each of us survive is equally unique, but there are some general principles to consider which we hope you will find useful. Coping with overwhelming grief
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Note: This leaflet looks specifically at coping with overwhelming feelings and thoughts. The following leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) describe more generally how grief can affect a bereaved parent. • Living with grief tcf.org.uk/livingwithgrief • Grief of the newly bereaved tcf.org.uk/griefofthenewlybereaved • Prolonged and intense grief tcf.org.uk/prolongedgrief Releasing our emotions “Sometimes I’d just stand on the beach and scream out to sea.” “ I would wait until I was alone at home. Then I would release the pain in tears and words, without feeling I had to consider anybody around me.” It is important to let emotions out. Suppressing grief and trying to keep it all inside in the hope that it will go away may only intensify the pain, and can have adverse physical and psychological effects. Not everyone has the urge or need to cry, but if we feel like it, it can be helpful to allow ourselves to do so. There is no shame in tears or weeping. Having a ‘good cry’ can bring a sense of relief, even if only temporarily. One reason is that emotional tears contain hormones, one of which is a natural pain killer. If we want to cry but feel blocked and unable to release our tears, some of us find that listening to music helps. Vigorous physical activity can be another way of releasing pent up emotion. Ideas include: • running • walking • gardening • housework If these are beyond our physical abilities, we could try something like scribbling colours on a blank page. Some feelings can be extremely powerful, but grief does not always manifest in emotional upheaval. We may be numb, where we don’t feel anything much at all. There are no right or wrong emotions in grief. It can help to remind ourselves that whatever our feelings at present, they are not permanent. They will change. • boxing • swimming • cycling.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Yearning for our child “When I feel overwhelmed with the pain, I hold my son’s T-shirt and inhale his scent. It hurts, but reminds me that yes, he was here, and he will always be a part of me.” “Sometimes when I am desperately missing my child, I go to the cemetery. She’s not there, really, but the act of tidying up the grave, placing some fresh flowers, and having a chat is somehow comforting.” “I was very apprehensive about how I’d cope with my other child’s wedding. So, beforehand our immediate family met at a tree that we’d planted in dedication. We decorated the tree, held hands, and shared some sweet memories. That gave me the emotional energy I needed to focus on the wedding itself.” When we are overwhelmed with missing our child, we can try to connect with them through memory. There are so many ways we might do this, such as: • Devoting a spot in the home or garden to think about them • Tending to plants or a pet, something they loved or would have loved • Sewing their clothes into a cushion or a quilt • Organising photos • Writing a social media post with a picture, perhaps sharing a story about them • Enjoying a meal or drink that they liked • Lighting a candle • Reading about places they visited • Talking about them with family or friends • Listening to music that they enjoyed. (For more ideas, see TCF’s Handbook of ideas for remembering our child tcf.org.uk/rememberinghandbook) Any activity that gives us a sense of closeness to our child can be a comfort. Spending focussed time cherishing our child’s memory, in a specific time and space, is perhaps how we will manage to give ourselves permission to live.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Finding support in a crisis Telling our story It can be valuable to put into words what in particular is causing us to feel overwhelmed. If we cannot find the words, we might express ourselves creatively through such media as paint, clay or music. Telling someone else is one way of facing our thoughts in a safe and orderly way. In a conversation, there is a beginning and an ending. Often simply the process of telling helps to create order in our thoughts. Of course, we need to choose carefully who we open up to in this way. Not all friends or family members are good listeners. We might find speaking with other bereaved parents, such as in a TCF support group, gives us a much-needed outlet. Some of us have found it helpful to explore our deepest concerns with a counsellor. A counsellor is a professional, trained to listen, and we will not have to worry about the impact our words are having on them. On the other hand, not every counsellor is as skilful or empathetic to our situation, particularly if they have no experience of child bereavement. Still, this is something we might want to consider if our grief feels unmanageable, as they can provide us with tools to help ourselves. There are other support services available, including helplines detailed below. If we’re having a particularly bad moment, we might need immediate support. There are many helplines available, including: • The Compassionate Friends - 0345 123 2304 calls are always answered by a bereaved parent • Samaritans - 116 123 call free any time of the day or night • Cruse Bereavement Support - 0808 808 1677
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Writing about our grief Writing can be another outlet for our thoughts and feelings. Depending on how we organise our writing, it can have similar advantages to speaking with someone. There is a beginning and an ending. There is a process of organising our thoughts. There are no limits to what we can write. The following method, known as Expressive Writing, can be helpful: 1. Write for 10 minutes per day. 2. Whatever you write about should be very important to you. 3. Write continuously; don’t worry about making sense or spelling. 4. Write only for yourself and feel free to keep or destroy what you write. 5. If you feel that writing about your sorrow is too upsetting, just stop. 6. Expressive writing can be painful for the moment, but it can bring real relief. (Google ‘expressive writing’ for more ideas and information about this activity.) Finding ways to distract ourselves “I go on the internet and look for places to visit in my area, like an unfamiliar café, shopping centre or park. Finding out the opening times and other details is a good distraction. Sometimes I spend more time researching and planning than on the actual visit! But it has served its purpose. An added bonus is that because I am going somewhere new, I’m making new memories.” There is a difference between distraction and avoidance. Avoidance means trying to stop ourselves from ever thinking about or experiencing our emotions. Ignoring our grief in this way does not help us deal with it. On the other hand, it is sometimes helpful to distract ourselves. In fact, it can be important to find ways of breaking the cycle of persistent troubling thoughts. This could mean: • Leaving the room, and perhaps going outside if we can. If we have limited mobility, we can simply turn around and face the opposite direction. A very small change in our surroundings can be enough to shift our thought patterns. • Accomplishing something. This can be as quick and straightforward as
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk cleaning out a kitchen drawer, watering the plants or answering an email. • Communicating with someone. Picking up the phone or popping round for a visit might take a lot of effort, but it might be just what we need at this moment. • Turning on the TV. Engaging with an interesting programme or film might be enough to divert our thoughts temporarily. • Trying to find a positive thought to replace a painful one. Thinking about how our child is no longer here is painful; bringing to mind a happy memory of our time together is another side to our life’s story. Many of us have family or work commitments which require our attention. Although we may not find it easy to focus on anything else, it can give our mind a short break from the unrelenting pain of grief. Seeking calm and a ‘safe harbour’ “Some time after my child died, I started going to a craft class once a week. It absorbed all my attention. It was the one hour in the week when I could breathe.” Imagine that each of us is a little boat floating on the sea of our grief. Sometimes the wind is howling and the waves are very high, threatening to sink us. The boat urgently needs to find a safe harbour. In the same way, if we feel as though our emotions and thoughts are sinking us, then it is important to seek calm. Here are some ideas for finding a safe harbour, even if only for a few moments. Breathing Deep breathing is very helpful as it calms the nervous system. Here’s one method: • Close your eyes and focus on your breathing • Breathe in as slowly, deeply and gently as you can, through your nose • Hold your breath for a second or two • Breathe out slowly, deeply and gently through your mouth. This can be varied by counting from one to five for each in and out breath, or using a mantra we devise, such as, I am breathing in calm. I am breathing out tension. Some people find stamping with their foot helps them control their breathing. Practices such as yoga or Tai Chi can also be beneficial.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Trying simple, repetitive actions Spending some time on a simple repetitive activity can be calming. This can be anything that doesn’t require much concentration but brings our body into a quiet rhythm. It doesn’t matter what it is, provided we are using our hands or feet. Crochet or knitting, colouring in or even housework will do. Doing something that requires concentration Again, the focus is on doing something with hands or feet, but this type of activity is more likely to require us to concentrate, giving us some respite from our sad thoughts. There are endless ideas, including crafting, baking, woodwork, pottery or sport. These activities can involve us interacting with others. Being with other people with similar interests can lift our mood. Any positive feelings are precious because they bring us back to life and ease our pain. Enjoying nature Going for a walk is one of the simplest ways to improve our sense of well-being, if we are able to do this. Exercising indoors at a gym or swimming pool are also going to do us good, but there is something in particular about being out in nature that brings calm. We can go to the scenery that appeals to us: hills, gardens, woodland or beside the water. If circumstances don’t allow us to get out and about, there are ways to bring nature into our lives, even in simple ways such as caring for a pot plant or a pet, feeding the birds or watching the clouds go by. Playing music Music can change how we feel almost instantly. Listening to or playing some uplifting music can bring us out of ourselves. To free our body of some of the pain it carries, we may want to combine music with dancing, whether this involves joining a class or simply dancing at home. Engaging in spiritual practices, prayer and meditation Depending on our own beliefs, we may find that spiritual practices can bring us calm. Sometimes our faith has been sorely shaken by the death of our child, but we may still find comfort in familiar rituals or inspiration in the new.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Coping with life as it is now “I still can’t quite believe he is not ever coming back, but it became real to me again when I had to decide whether to go on holiday. We always used to take our holidays together.” Sometimes it is the practical changes in our daily lives following the death of our child that can lead us to feeling overwhelmed. Adjusting to this might involve: • Being patient, and trying to delay any major decisions until we feel more settled • Setting small achievable goals. Rebuilding our resilience Problems that we used to be able to handle with ease may threaten to overwhelm us. It could be something as simple as an item getting lost or broken. Many of us find that we have to rebuild our resilience slowly, developing our strategies for keeping going in the face of unwelcome events, rather than being dragged into a downward spiral. Again, everyone is different but in general it seems to help if we can: • Try to think well of ourselves • Tell ourselves that we can survive this and we will survive this • Take care of ourselves • Welcome any positive feelings (such as joy at a happy event) as these give our hearts some ease and help us think more optimistically about our life going forward. Being around people “I started working in a charity shop. It proved to be a welcome distraction. Just talking to people untouched by my pain and having light-hearted chats gave me a break, as well as boosting my confidence by doing something useful.” Making the effort to avoid isolation is also important.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Many of us find that it helps to interact with other people. This could be visiting friends, shopping, going to a club or class, or even going to work, whether that is paid or voluntary. If we must stay at home, even interacting on social media or the phone can make a difference to how we feel. We may feel anxious about being with other people. While few will truly understand what we are going through unless they have suffered a similar bereavement, and their comments will not always be helpful, it can still be a good idea to try to socialise when we feel ready. As we grow more resilient in our grief, we might find that other people’s reactions have less impact on us. Overwhelmed with love The powerful and distressing feelings we experience following the death of our child are part of the grief journey. But there is hope. Most of us find that as time goes by, we do not feel quite so overwhelmed, at least not all of the time. However, this is not consistent. Grief is not a clean, tidy or chronological process. Other events may further trigger our grief. If we struggle to cope later on with health problems or other bereavements, we might feel as though we have made no progress at all. This is not true. At these painful times we may want to reflect on how much we have already survived. We are living, and that is something we can keep doing, day by day, and moment by moment. Our children will always be a part of our lives, our thoughts and our memories. Their deaths will always make us sad. We will always miss them. Yet most of us find that as we develop our own coping mechanisms and survival strategies, the pain no longer overwhelms us on a daily basis. Instead of the pain, it is the love shared between our child and us, their parent, that fills our heart and thoughts.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Suggestions for further reading The Compassionate Friends (TCF) have published a range of leaflets to support to support parents after a child has died. Helpful titles include: • Living with grief • A mother’s grief • A father’s grief • My child has died – how do I cope? • Prolonged and intense grief • The grieving parent and their faith • Coping with friends, family and social situations TCF leaflets can be read and downloaded at this link: tcf.org.uk/leaflets Printed copies are available from the office, free of charge for bereaved parents (see contact details on the back page).
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2024 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2023/01. Sponsored by the Amy Robinson Foundation and dedicated in memory to our beloved Amy. Our beautiful little girl, we will carry you in our hearts until we are together once again. General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk
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