Coping with special occasions

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends celebrations will be a challenge, and we may need to ask for help and support from friends or family. The birthday of our child’s twin (or multiple) can be a dilemma. We are grieving for our deceased child, but at the same time we also want to celebrate their twin’s birthday. They too may be undecided about what they want to do on this occasion. It may be worthwhile having a conversation together about this. An engagement, wedding, birth, university graduation or other special event in the life of one of our remaining children or grandchildren is a cause for celebration. However, it will also be painful, for ourselves and for them too. Our child’s absence from the preparations for these significant occasions and then on the day itself will be felt deeply. It feels very important that our child is properly mentioned at these occasions, yet finding appropriate ways of acknowledging our child at a special event can be difficult, as we do not want to take the focus away from the one being celebrated. We might want to discuss beforehand some ways of including our child, perhaps by raising a toast, or mentioning them in a speech. There may be differences of opinion about how best to do this. A significant celebration can also be a significant trigger for our grief. Although we may put on a brave face, we could find that we need to step aside for a few moments. Planning carefully where we sit and who we sit with we can avoid us feeling trapped, anxious or panicky. Special events in the lives of our other children or grandchildren can also bring some light and joy into our lives. Allowing ourselves to celebrate is a good thing when we feel able to do this. “My son’s wedding was just six months after his sister died. He and his wife put a chair with a framed photo of her and flowers. It was a lovely thing to do.” Susan