Coping with special occasions

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Particular types of events Our child’s special dates “I make a donation to a charity on my child’s birthday. It makes me feel I am doing something for them.” Lev “I take myself off to our local town on my son’s birthday and have a hot chocolate with all the trimmings in honour of my chocoholic son!” Angela There is no right or wrong way to deal with significant dates such as our child’s birthday or the anniversary of when they died. It’s about what feels right for us, and this may change as the years go by. Our child’s birthday is an important date on our calendar. We might dread the prospect of what was previously a joyful occasion. Some parents carry on marking their child’s birthday, perhaps by eating a favourite meal, or visiting a special place. Others find the date too painful, and want to ignore it as far as possible. Similarly, the anniversary of our child’s death will be a difficult time. In the weeks leading up to the anniversary, we might find ourselves reliving the events surrounding their passing. We might fear that we won’t be able to cope on the day. It’s worth noting that some parents find the lead-up to the anniversary worse than the day itself. Many of us have found that it is better to have a plan, as this can help us feel less vulnerable when the day and all of its terrible sadness arrives. We might want to spend the day remembering our child quietly, going for a walk or being in nature. An annual ritual such as the planting of a tree or lighting a candle can bring comfort. We may want to bring a birthday card, flowers or a small memento to their grave or to another special place. If we are a member of a faith community, it may be possible to have our child’s name read out in a service or meeting.