Coping with special occasions

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our own special days “I do a sponsored walk around the time of my birthday. I enjoy walking. Having a focus, doing something meaningful and being outdoors all seem to help get me through what is otherwise a difficult day.” Martin “At first, I hated my birthday after my child died, but then I started to see it differently. If I had not been born, neither would my child. So, I started making tentative changes, allowing myself to enjoy it. I often eat the treats we used to share on my birthday, and that feels right.” Rosa Celebrating our own birthday can feel strange when our child is no longer there to celebrate with us, and will never again celebrate their own birthday. There is nothing wrong with enjoying ourselves, but it might take a while for us to come to this point. If we have been bereaved of our only child, or all of our children, we may feel especially bereft and lonely on our birthday. If this is our situation, then finding ways to be kind to ourselves is vital. Some bereaved parents want to ignore their birthdays. This might create tension with friends or family who still wish to mark the occasion in some way. If it feels too soon to celebrate, we can tell them how we are feeling. We should not feel obliged to participate in celebrations that do not feel appropriate right now. Some of us may drink or take other substances to try to ease our grief. This might numb some of our pain for a short while, but we usually find that as soon as the drink or drugs wear off, we feel as terrible as ever – or even worse, if that’s possible. Finding better ways to cope with these times is a challenge we each need to figure out for ourselves.