UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk “Disenfranchised grief” refers to grief that is seen by society as less important or less valid than a bereavement through other so-called acceptable causes, such as cancer or heart disease. Some people may have the attitude that our grief doesn’t deserve the same level of respect or sympathy that is given to others. We may hear hurtful comments such as, “They brought it on themselves,” or “It was their choice.” Any stigma around the death of our child is simply wrong. Our grief is valid, no matter how our child lived or how they died. Fortunately, most of us have at least some friends or family that feel this way. However, if other people in our social circle do not see it like this, their lack of support, sensitivity or understanding can worsen and prolong the pain of our bereavement. The years prior to our child’s death “Living in a state of constant anxiety for my child’s well-being took its toll on me. Every time the phone rang, I was filled with dread.” We might have been unaware of any issues that our child was facing, or it might have been obvious to us. If our child had become troubled or unreachable, our grief might have begun long ago. We may have faced repeated traumatic events for years before they died. Their issues or life choices might have caused us to feel worry, guilt and shame. There may have been lengthy discussions and interactions with schools, police, hospitals or social services, always hoping that the issues would be resolved. We may have had to cope with constant anxiety, asking ourselves “Where are they?”, “What are they doing?” or “Are they safe?” as we waited for the next knock on the door or phone call to summon us to the police station or hospital. On the other hand, there might not have been anything inherently wrong with how our child chose to live their life. It may simply have been in conflict with the norms of our family or community. Examples might be their choices as far as their cultural, religious or political identity, or personal aspects such as sexuality, gender or relationships. This might have caused them to be viewed negatively, of less worth, or as separate or different from our wider family or community.
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