One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The early days following our bereavement “Looking back at those early days after my child died, I still feel comforted by those who were kind and supportive… but some people’s reactions came as a shock, and still cause me pain.” The news of a child’s death is always a terrible shock. The circumstances of our child’s death, how and when we found out what had happened to them, and any discoveries of what went before will all have a huge impact upon us. Shock very often protects us from reality for a while. However, this numbness does not last and feelings flood in, threatening to overwhelm us. Most parents will feel some guilt when their child has died, thinking that if only they had acted differently, they could somehow have prevented what happened. This may be true, no matter what the cause of death was, but for those of us whose child has died in a way that could be considered self-inflicted or as a result of their life choices, our feelings will be especially complicated. Other people’s attitudes can have a major impact on how we cope with our grief. If they are kind and accepting, it can make it easier for us to bear our tragic loss. But this is not always how people react. In fact, we may be shocked to discover that disapproval towards our child by some members of our family or social circle could continue and even intensify after their death. This could be in person or on social media. Stigma following the death of a child “My child was trans. I loved her when she was my daughter, and I loved him when he became my son. But not everyone in my circle knew or understood him like I did, nor recognized his good qualities.” Disapproval and criticism of our child – and perhaps by extension, ourselves too – may cast a shadow of stigma over our bereavement. Some people might gossip, seemingly even taking pleasure in passing on a negative observation or story about our child. Such corrosive comments can affect the way others relate to us, perhaps making them less sympathetic.
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