UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk They may withdraw completely, while others might react with selfrighteousness, simply because they have been lucky enough not to share the particular challenges and ultimately the fate of our beloved child. We might ask ourselves why anyone would want to be unkind about the death of a child. The real problem usually lies with the person offering the criticism. Perhaps they lack empathy, or are driven to conceal their own personal issues by taking what they believe to be the moral high ground. By making us feel worse, they seek to make themselves feel better. Judgemental attitudes may come from a place of prejudice, ignorance or a narrow worldview. There may be resentment towards those who express their gender or sexuality in ways that are different to their own. They may not be able to see beyond a chosen lifestyle to the person underneath. If we are part of a small, tight-knit community, such as one based around a traditional culture or religion, we may find ourselves isolated. Even kinderhearted members of our community, who are not personally critical of us, may feel obliged to keep their distance. At times we may even feel angry towards our child for living or dying in a way that has left us exposed to the judgement of others. In addition, some people may criticise us for our own lifestyle or the type of upbringing we gave our child. This can bring pain and confusion, as outwardly we defend ourselves and our child, but inwardly we may be struggling with self-blame. Stigma can make us defensive and sensitive to any potential risk of rejection. This in turn can increase our isolation. We do not want to be left alone, but we dread the sideways looks or the insensitive things that people might say. If some people do react critically or try to avoid us, it will not be surprising if we end up feeling lonelier in our grief or angry with others. On the other hand, some people may not know what to say. Remaining silent does not necessarily mean that they are passing judgement on us or our child. Perhaps they are simply lost for words. Most people will feel genuinely upset about our bereavement, and will be kind and empathetic, trying the best they can to console us.
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