One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our child was a whole person, with flaws, just like every other human being. They made their own decisions as an individual. We can accept and love them for who they were. Hopefully we have some people in our social and family circle who feel the same. There is solace in good memories, and it can be truly comforting when other people join us in remembering the happy times we shared. Our immediate family and close friends “I did not feel that my siblings were critical of my child’s choices, and they remained supportive after she died, but I can’t say the same for my parents. Their disapproval has made my grief harder to cope with.” Close friends and family members will hopefully be supportive of us, and speak of our child with kindness and understanding. However, even with those closest to us, this is not always the case. People can fail to fully understand the issues that have led up to a death. Generational differences can sometimes make the situation even harder. They may see things in an overly simplistic or blinkered way, e.g. “Drug use is bad and it’s their fault”, or “They took their own life because they didn’t care about us”, or “You never kept them in line when they were younger.” Comments like these can be very difficult to hear. We can perhaps ease some of our pain by recognising that our parent, friend or adult child is probably not trying to hurt us, but attempting to manage their own grief. When a tragedy occurs, everyone tries to make sense of it, sometimes seeking for simple explanations or someone to blame. Although we will want to be supportive of our other family members, we also need to take care of own well-being. If individuals are judging our child or us, we may need to limit how much time we spend with them, if this is an option. Some of us find that we instinctively push away anyone who makes us feel more vulnerable at a time in our life when we are close to despair. Later on, we may feel strong enough to let them back into our lives. It may take months or even years, but we will know when we, and our grief, have reached this point.
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