One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The way forward “It’s been a long road, but we’ve now come to terms with the fact that we’re both handling our grief in our own ways. My partner has done some amazing charity events in our child’s memory, while I’ve been more insular in my grief. That’s okay. We both love our child, and we’re both doing our best.” Each of us is a unique individual with our own unique relationship with our child. We are their parents, and they have their own place in our hearts. As we replay and record the story of our child’s life and death, we can acknowledge the role each of us played. Whilst the deep ache of missing our beloved child does not go away, our shared memories can be a great source of comfort. Our way forward includes accepting that our partner may be expressing their grief differently to us. It does not indicate that either one of us loves our child more or less. It is simply that we have our own ways of coping. Speaking about our child and our loss is not better or worse than silent withdrawal. This may be hard for our partner to bear, but it may be what each of us needs to do at this time. Our relationship may become strained, as grief can be an emotional see-saw – when one is up, the other is down. But if we stay aware and sensitive to each other’s moods, we can hopefully develop a deeper understanding of each other. We need time and privacy to grieve as individuals, and also to have time together. At some point we will return to work, restart our social life, go on holiday, and discover that we can find some joy in life again, however unimaginable this may seem at first. The timing and speed of how we embrace life’s activities might differ between us. Again, there is no right or wrong way, no way that is intrinsically better or worse than the other. Respecting our differences becomes vital. Not accepting each other’s way of doing this will only distress us more.
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