Grieving couples

UK Helpline: 0 345 123 23 0 4 | tcf.org.uk with activities not directly linked to loss. We may keep our sorrow locked inside to contain our grief, choosing not to speak of our loss, but instead throwing ourselves into our work and other activities. The “feminine” or intuitive form of grief tends to be more communicative, with a need to retell the story and express feelings, to seek support and to expend more effort on memorialising our loved one. There is also more likelihood of guilty feelings. It is hard when the reactions of our partner are not in step with our own, and can lead us to feeling unsupported at our time of greatest need. If we are someone who needs to talk to others about our lovely child and our pain from their death, we can feel frustrated and confused if our partner remains silent about our shared tragedy or appears too busy to be with us. On the other hand, if we find it too painful to speak or even think about our loss, even the mention of our child’s name or the cause of their death can be almost unbearable. Grief can make all of us more extreme in our reactions, so it is not surprising that it can exaggerate our differences too. Being aware of these natural differences can perhaps help us avoid slipping into an attitude of resentment towards our partner. As a bereaved couple, we can help one another by giving each other space and encouragement to grieve in the way that is best for our partner, even if is not our own preference. We should not feel any guilt about grieving apart: we are facing the worst days of our life, and we need to give ourselves and each other permission to cope in any way we can. (The TCF leaflets A mother’s grief and A father’s grief may be of help to any parent, regardless of their gender.)