One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Grief researchers have described two main ways that people grieve. Most people are a mixture, but there are some common patterns. Having an idea about our own style of grief, especially if they are different from our partner’s, can go a long way in helping us to understand each other. “Instrumental” grievers tend to hold their thoughts inside. They may keep themselves busy with activities not directly linked to loss, perhaps wanting to return to work right away. The instrumental griever may keep their sorrow locked inside to contain their grief, choosing not to speak of their loss or their feelings. They may appear distant or unemotional. Their grief is happening deep within, and may not find an outlet easily. “Intuitive” grievers tends to be more communicative. They need to talk about their loss and may keep retelling the story of what happened. They express their emotions outwardly; there may be many tears. Intuitive grievers are more likely to seek support from other people. It may be harder for them to resume normal daily living as their grief may be overwhelming. Most people are a blend of these two styles, but lean more towards one than the other. How we grieve
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