Grieving couples

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Some of the other common issues faced by grieving couples Blame and anger Blame and guilt are often an integral part of our feelings as bereaved parents; we blame ourselves for our child’s death, for not having been able to keep them well or safe from harm. Sometimes our anger turns outwards; we seek for someone whom we might blame for this heartbreaking tragedy. This might become our focus whereas our partner may see things differently. We can also slip into an attitude of resentment towards our partner, sometimes without fair reason. We may even find ourselves blaming each other in some ways, perhaps not directly related to our child’s death, but aspects of their upbringing. Any of these emotions can isolate us from each other, just when we most need our mutual support. It is worthwhile making the effort to communicate and bridge any gaps in our relationship. Sexual issues Our sexual relationship can also become more difficult, with one of us in desperate need of closeness, comfort and the release which sex can bring, while the other feels that this is inappropriate. Because sex is so closely related to reproduction, we may find the very idea of it far too upsetting, whereas another might hope in some way to ‘replace’ our lost child. For some, it can feel almost an insult to our deceased child, a source of guilt and distress that we should allow ourselves any pleasure. For others, sex may symbolise our shared love for our family, and sharing intimacy with a loving partner can provide a brief respite from the searing intensity of grief.