Grieving For More Than One Child

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends • learning relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness; • releasing some of our emotional energy through physical exercise. Adjusting to life without our children takes a long time, and it is important to be patient with ourselves. Our grief may be more difficult to cope with at certain times of the year, such as holidays and special occasions. The fact that our children are missing at family gatherings will hurt. If others acknowledge their absence, this may bring some small solace, but sadly, this acknowledgement does not always come, leading us to feeling isolated in our grief. It is important to take care of ourselves. Our own identity is closely linked with our children, but we are not only parents. We are also individuals who need space to live, change and grow, and even to enjoy our lives. At the most acute times of our grief, the idea of enjoying life again might seem either impossible or undesirable, especially if we are struggling with feelings of guilt. Yet we are not dishonouring our children’s memories by living. Rather the contrary – we are honouring them by continuing to live and love them. The deaths of our children were like repeated earthquakes, shattering the foundation of our lives. Regaining confidence and finding our footing as we go forward without their presence might be a long process. We love each of them individually; we love them collectively. We yearn to have them with us again. Memories, however comforting, are no substitute for their presence, and the pain of their absence will be raw and acute at times. Our life is not how we had expected or wished for it to turn out. Finding a way to live without them is not going to be easy, but it is possible. At the very least we know that our thoughts and hearts still hold the precious love of our children, and always will.