Grieving For More Than One Child

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Each one of our children is an individual We miss each of our children. While there may have been some similarities, ultimately each of them was an individual, with their own personalities. Their likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests, skills and struggles were in some respects unique. We remember and value each child for their individual worth. We love each of our children, yet their different ages at death could mean that we have a smaller or larger store of memories to draw upon. This, combined with differences in our relationship with each child, can have an impact on us while we grieve. These factors may make our journey through grief more complicated and painful. The ways in which our children died can also affect our experience of grief. For instance, if one child died after an illness and another died in an accident, the circumstances are quite different. Consequently, the thoughts, memories and feelings we need to deal with may be different too. The fact also remains that our grief is compounded with each subsequent loss. The calendar of the year is one example. We may wish to acknowledge and commemorate our child’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, and other significant dates. When more than one of our children has died, we can find ourselves overwhelmed by a barrage of painful dates throughout the year. It may help to have times when we focus our remembrance activities on one or another of our children, and other occasions when we focus on them together. For instance, we might give a donation to charity in one child’s name on their birthday, whereas on another occasion we’ll do something that celebrates all of our children together. It may be worthwhile reminding ourselves that there is no wrong or right way to grieve, and we can memorialise our children in whatever ways feel right to us.