Grieving For More Than One Child

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends At times we might find it necessary to ignore other people’s reactions, lest they divert our energy from the more pressing task of coping with our bereavement. We may need to establish where our boundaries lie, in terms of protecting ourselves from those whose comments or attitudes make our grief more difficult to manage. The perennial difficulty of every bereaved parent is answering questions about how many children we have. To tell about the death of one child will bring shock; how do we tell about the death of a second or more children? We each need to find our way through this situation. It might sometimes depend on the circumstances around the question. A casual chat in the park with another dog walker will be different to a question from someone whom we will see again, such as a colleague at our place of work. Ultimately, it is up to us to share as much or as little as we are comfortable with. Some of us love to talk about our children, whereas others are more selective. It is entirely a personal choice. Neither stunned silence nor gushing sympathy or pity will be welcome when we do inform others of the tragic deaths of our children. Both types of reaction can make us uncomfortable. What we need is kind support, for people to show an interest in us and in each of our children. Unfortunately, this might not be forthcoming as much as we need from our usual circle of friends, or even from close family members. It is also possible that friends and family members may not recognise all of our children in the same way, and this can hurt. Whether we have lost a baby before or after birth, a young child, or an adult child, they are each our beloved children, and we need for them to be acknowledged. This is one reason why many of us find comfort and strength in the companionship of other parents bereaved in similar ways. The sad reality is that we are not alone; the death of more than one child