One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our unique grief Each person’s journey through grief is in some ways unique. Grief is always difficult, but for some of us, it can be particularly intense and isolating. The extent or lack of social and family support can make a big difference in the ways that we cope. If our child had a troubled life, our grief may be complex. They may have misused drugs or alcohol, been addicted, lived rough, or served time in prison. Although their choices were not our fault, we may find that feelings of shame, guilt and regret increase the pain of our loss. Some deaths are sudden and unexpected, perhaps as a result of violent crime, a road traffic incident, a sudden medical emergency, or suicide. Sudden deaths often require a post mortem, sometimes followed by an Inquest (or Fatal Accident Inquiry in Scotland). Even when officials are striving to be sympathetic, having to face legal proceedings can extend and intensify our grief. Along with grief for our child, if they died before starting their own family, we may also be grieving for an expected future that will now never be. If they were our only child, we are now childless and without the possibility of ever having grandchildren. Relationships Our child’s partner If our child was married or in a civil partnership, then the bereaved spouse will normally be next of kin. This means they will be responsible for planning the funeral, taking care of their possessions, and all legal matters dealing with the estate. We will wish to express our views. Our help may not always be welcome. Accepting that they have the legal right to make these decisions may be hard to bear. It will be particularly difficult if the relationship with our child’s partner was poor and we are now shut out. Even if we have had a good relationship with our child’s partner up until now, it is likely to change. They will have their own ways of coping with their grief, and their ways may be very different from our
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