The Compassionate Friends is a national charity supporting parents and siblings who are bereaved through child loss. We hope that our insights can help you support any of your family members and friends who have been bereaved in this way. Helping Bereaved Parents Suggestions for family and friends of bereaved parents
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends This leaflet is written for the family and friends of bereaved parents. Your support can make a real difference to those who have been bereaved of a child. It is devastating to be bereaved of a child. Whether their child was four months, four years, fourteen or forty, nothing will be the same again for the parent. It is not surprising that many bereaved parents struggle to rebuild their lives as they navigate their heartbreaking loss. If they feel alone in their grief, it will be harder to bear, whereas support and kindness from those in their social and family circle can make a positive difference. Many people who would like to support a bereaved parent worry about saying or doing the wrong things. Nobody can provide a simple list of exactly what to do or say. There is no a magical solution to make things better for a parent as they mourn their child, nor a simple formula that will be right for everyone. Yet parents who have been in touch with our charity, The Compassionate Friends (TCF), have often told us about what has and has not helped them, so there are some general themes. We hope the suggestions in this leaflet, based on the experiences of bereaved parents, will help you to be there for those in your own circle who have suffered the tragedy of the death of their child. “All those friends and family who rallied around me when my child died never realised how they got me through those first weeks. Thank you to all of them!” Helping Bereaved Parents Suggestions for family and friends of bereaved parents
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk DO Do take time to show your concern and care. Just being there with them, a few words, a gentle touch, even sitting in silence, can be extremely comforting. Do ask how they are feeling. Then, be prepared to listen to the answers, without judgement or offering advice. Do allow them to express as much grief as they are willing to share. This may include despair, depression, anger, guilt, and, sometimes, other unexpected reactions, such as irrational thoughts or fears of mental illness. Do say that you are saddened by what happened to their child, and encourage them to talk about them as often as they want. Do listen when they talk about their child, even if the stories you hear have been repeated over and over. Do engage with projects they invite you to help with in remembrance of their child, where possible, such as sponsored walks, creating photo albums or videos, holding special events, etc. Do share your own memories of their child. Do reassure them that they did everything that they could in the care they gave to their child, where this was possible. Do offer to help with other children, other family members they may care far, pets, or domestic chores to give them space to grieve. Do be specific in your offers of help. "Can I take your dog for a walk tomorrow?" or "I can bring you a meal tonight?" Suggestions for family and friends of bereaved parents
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Do be patient if your offers of help are not accepted immediately. They may be unable to respond while they are in deep shock. Ask again later. Do remember the needs of surviving siblings, no matter their age. They too are grieving. Their parents may not have the emotional strength to focus as much as they wish on their other children’s needs. Do stay around for the “long haul”, not only for the first few months. Do realise that birthdays, anniversaries and many other special days, such as Christmas Day, Mother’s and Father’s Day, can be very sad times. Do continue to talk about their child as the years go by. If not, after a few years it can feel that everyone else has forgotten about their beloved child. Do expect that the parent is forever changed, and that their grief journey will be long. There is a commonly held belief that grief is a time-limited process to be got through and that it has stages which follow steadily, one after another, but grief is much messier than this. Grieving for a child is a chaotic rollercoaster of a journey. There are ups and downs, one step forward, several steps back. Grief never ends, just as love never ends, although it does become more manageable. “Some people see grief as a problem that needs solving. They want to fix us. This might come from a place of good intentions, but grief cannot be ‘fixed.’ Grief is an experience to be supported, not solved.”
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk DON’T Don’t ignore them because you are feeling uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Being avoided by others adds to an already painful and isolating experience. It is better to risk occasionally saying something clumsy than to avoid them. Don’t let your own sense of hopelessness or fear keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent. Don’t be embarrassed by their tears when you are with them. It is not you that has upset them - their loss has done that. You have just provided a safe outlet. Don't be embarrassed if you are overcome by sadness while you are with them. They know that it is sad. Don't offer "solutions" to try to make them feel better. Bereaved parents need someone to listen, not to try to "cure" them. Don’t change the subject when they mention their child. Don’t stop mentioning their child’s name because you are scared of reminding them. They won’t have forgotten. Don’t criticise their child, no matter their life choices or if their actions contributed to their death, and do not criticise their parenting. Bereaved parents are suffering enough. They do not need judgment. Don’t presume to understand their grief because you have experienced the death of an elderly relative, a pet or even a child of your own. Everyone has a unique experience of grief. Don’t tell them what they should feel or ought to do. There is no timetable for grieving. Each person has to do it in his or her own way. Don’t suggest that they can have another child if that is possible for them – another child could not replace the child who has died.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Don’t confuse grief with depression. There are no pills to treat grief. However, those with pre-existing mental health conditions, or who suffer prolonged and intense grief, may eventually find they need professional support. Don’t dismiss their pain by saying "at least you have other children." Children are not interchangeable. To suggest otherwise is hurtful and may even make them feel guilty for grieving as much as they are. Don’t imply that the death of a child brings parents together. This is not borne out by the number of couples who struggle with their relationship in the aftermath of child bereavement. Don’t talk too much about your own children and grandchildren, at least for a time. Be sensitive about this, as sometimes it is appropriate and they will not expect to be cut off suddenly from all news. Don’t try to persuade them to start going out and socialising until they feel ready. Small talk is often centred on enquiring about each other’s family, and this can be difficult. Being in crowds can be overwhelming. Don't take offence if they respond in unexpected ways. Anyone who has suffered a profound bereavement may find it difficult to remember things or concentrate. They may respond to comments or questions with uncharacteristic irritation or anger. This is all a normal part of grief and should not be taken personally. Don’t be frustrated because you want things to go back to the way they used to be and it is not happening. This is an unrealistic expectation. Their child’s death has changed them and they may never be quite the same person they were before
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Watching our words It will never be easy to know what to say when someone’s child has died, however good our intentions may be. While it is usually better to say something than nothing, here are some examples of remarks that often make things worse: “Time is a great healer.” “Don’t you feel it’s time to move on now?” Time does not heal grief any more than it regrows an amputated limb. The loss of a child is permanent. They will carry their child’s memories for the rest of their lives. “I don’t know how you cope, I couldn’t”; “How strong you are!”; “I don’t know how you have survived.” This type of comment is meant to be an encouragement. The trouble is, it can cause the parent to shut down. They are living with turmoil and anxiety, and are often a million miles from doing well, and they need to be able to express this honestly without feeling that they’re letting people down. “I know how you feel.” None of us truly knows how someone else feels. Even if we too are bereaved of a child or other close relative, our personalities, family stories and relationships can never be identical to the person we are supporting. “It is God’s will”; “They are in a better place”; “God only takes the best”; “The good die young”; “They are an angel in paradise”; “They will always remain young and never suffer the indignities of old age”; “They are only in the next room.” Few parents will feel consoled by this type of remark, no matter how well-intentioned. The reality for a bereaved parent is that their
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends child is physically not here, and it can be upsetting to feel pressure from others to believe a certain way about why this has happened or where their child is now. Of course, some parents do find great comfort in religion, but others struggle with their faith following a death. Those who have no religion are also likely to find such comments offensive. Further Suggestions Helping in practical ways “Many friends offered to bring food to be shared after the funeral - and I said ‘yes’ to all of them - I was so grateful. Then one friend said to me ‘who is bringing something? - and I looked at her absolutely blank - I had no idea. She took over the organisation and we were so grateful!” There are many practical ways in which you can support and help a bereaved household. • Prepared food is almost always welcome dishes that are ready to eat or just need warming. • Offer to do the shopping or to accompany them – and be ready to come home early if you see that they are finding it too difficult. • It may be less stressful for them to go to a supermarket out of their locality. In this way, they will see fewer people they know. • Be aware that the process of shopping can awaken painful memories, for example of favourite foods or disliked items. • If they are responsible for the care of elderly or disabled family members, offering them a few hours of respite could be a great kindness.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk • Even minor problems in the home can feel insurmountable when someone is already struggling. If something needs fixing, offering to get in touch with a repairman, the plumber or electrician, might be very welcome. • While all parents might appreciate this type of practical help, it could be quite vital for single parents. • They may appreciate support at appointments, either to help them remember what they wanted to say, or to take notes about important information or decisions. “So many people brought round food for our family - I was amazed as each gift was completely unexpected and it really got us through the first terrible weeks.” There may be belongings to be collected from places outside home. Offer to accompany the parents, or to go for them if they would prefer that. If you collect the child’s personal items, do not bring them back in a bin bag – treat them with respect. Correspondence arriving for the deceased child (who may, of course, have been an adult) can be very distressing for the parents. Perhaps, you could offer to write letters (for the parents to sign) to inform the relevant organisations. thebereavementregister.org.uk or bereavementadvice.org who offer a free service that reduces unwanted junk mail addressed to the deceased.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends If you feel that there are financial difficulties, particularly over meeting the funeral costs, you may be able to organise a fundraiser, but be sensitive about whether this is appropriate. For practical information on getting help to pay for a child’s funeral, see: tcf.org.uk/payingfuneral Respecting the parent’s autonomy and offering help without interfering When a child dies, no matter their age or the circumstances, their parent will often feel a sense of powerlessness, as they were unable to prevent their child’s death. It is important for the parent’s wellbeing to find ways to take back some control over what is happening around them. This could be by making arrangements for their child’s funeral, or simple things such as deciding when they would like to go out for a meal, and so on. Try to bear this in mind when offering help, and respect their wishes and boundaries. Remembering their child If you have any photographs, videos, messages, or stories about their child, do share them with the parents, especially if they have not seen them or heard them before. It will be so reassuring to the parents to know that their child will not be forgotten and that they were important in other people’s lives too. However, it may be best to warn the parent before you do this as seeing an unexpected photo or video can be upsetting. The parent needs to be able to look at them at a time which is right for them. Don’t be afraid of telling amusing stories and occasions. Laughter may feel shocking at first, but it helps to put things into perspective by acknowledging the happy times with their child.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk If you can, write down your memories of their child. A letter or a card with some special reminiscences can bring a great deal of comfort. It is common to recall events in the lives of older relatives who have died, but there seems to be a reluctance to talk in the same natural way about deceased children. It helps parents if we do. Sometimes there will be opportunities to post pictures and write about their child on social media. It is best to be led by the parent in this. If they are posting pictures on their Facebook page, for instance, then do respond. Affirmations of their child’s importance and acknowledgement of their grief are part of the support you can offer. The parents might also be grateful for help with using their social media page, or how to maintain their child’s social media. This leaflet may help: tcf.org.uk/digital-legacy Supporting social interaction “I was very lucky - friends invited me out, and although I refused for some time, they kept asking me, and in the end, I found that I did enjoy having small events to look forward to.” Bereaved parents are jolted out of their normal life patterns. Picking up the threads again can be very difficult and may take a long time. They may feel unable to join in as they used to do because the devastation of their loss is so great. From time to time, you may like to suggest a meal out, or a visit to a leisure centre, theatre, garden, concert or cinema. The invitation may be turned down for some time, but eventually there will be a day when it will be accepted. It may be that they change their minds at the last minute or have to leave early. (Do bear in mind the circumstances of the death if suggesting a cinema or theatre trip and consider the subject of the film or play.)
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Some parents may go back to work early on, either because it is their preference or because they have no choice. Others may delay a return to work, giving themselves more time to grieve and recover at least some equilibrium. Going back to work has advantages, as it does give a bit of daily motivation and interaction with other people. Whatever your own thoughts about this, it is up to the bereaved parent and their circumstances to make their own choices. Let the parents know about The Compassionate Friends (TCF). Many parents find it helpful to speak with other people who have had similar bereavements. Discovering that they are not alone in their experience of loss nor unusual for how they are affected by grief can make a real difference. It needs to be their own choice whether or not to get involved with any of the bereavement support charities, but you can certainly signpost them. TCF exists to support bereaved parents and siblings. You can find more details on the back page. Surviving children and those without other children Surviving children will be mourning their sibling. This may not be adequately acknowledged by other family members and friends who direct their attention mainly at the bereaved parents. Perhaps taking the children out would benefit the family as a whole – not only as a treat, but also to provide a place where they can talk freely. They may not do so at home, because they fear that their parents could be upset by their questions, thoughts and worries. These will vary depending on their ages and their relationship with their deceased sibling. Games and sports can be useful outlets for emotions that are too difficult to be put into words.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk If there is a dog to be walked, the bereaved parents or children may appreciate someone offering to do this or to provide them with some company. If a parent has been bereaved of their only child, or all of their children, they have suffered a particularly profound loss. They may be concerned that once they themselves have died, there will be nobody to remember their children. The future could look bleak. They may feel very lonely and anxious, wondering how they will manage as they face illness or old age. Assuring them of your presence and love could go a long way in alleviating these understandable worries. Special occasions Some of the worst times for a bereaved parent are the anniversary of the child’s death, their birthday, and the major festivals, such as Christmas or other religious festivals, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or New Year. It is then that the gaping hole in the family may be felt most acutely. Any contact you make can help them to feel that they are not alone. Hearing others say the name of their child can be a priceless gift for them. This applies as the years go by, not only the first year since their child died. Your own grief As a friend or member of their wider family, you may have also known the child who has died, and will be coping with your own grief. You may feel great sorrow, not only at the loss of the child, but also at the impact that this has had on their parents. There is no wrong or right way to grieve, and your way of coping with loss may well be different to that of the parents.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends As time goes by “When my daughter died, I was inundated with offers of support - too many offers to take up - but after a while everybody thought I was okay and stopped asking me if there was anything they could do.” As parents, we will grieve for our children as long as we live. One of the heartbreaking aspects of being a bereaved parent is that we are always aware of the passing of time and what could have been. For instance, a parent may be painfully aware that this is the year when their child would have reached a milestone age, or watch painfully as their child’s old friends graduate, marry or start a new career. Our child is missed in so many circumstances, just as much on big occasions as in multiple ways every single day. People in our social and family circle, who are kind, patient and caring, who speak with love about our child, who are good listeners, give us a safe place in which to cope with this immense, enduring grief. Staying in touch, visiting, phoning, messaging or writing to us, letting us know that neither we nor our child have been forgotten, can make such a great difference. Bereaved parents will never forget your friendship and support. You cannot take away our pain, but your ongoing caring response can make it easier to bear.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Suggestions for further reading The Compassionate Friends (TCF) have published more than fifty leaflets to support parents after a child has died. These cover various aspects of grief, circumstances and causes of death, relationships, and how to cope. Whilst they are primarily written for parents and siblings, you may also find some of them helpful. Titles include: • Living with grief • A mother’s grief • A father’s grief • Helping our grandchildren when our child has died • When our grandchild dies • For parents bereaved of an only child or all of their children • Back to work More information on The Compassionate Friends • Introducing TCF • Introducing TCF for health and social care professionals (this leaflet explains more about the value of the peer support we offer) TCF leaflets can be read and downloaded at this link: tcf.org.uk/leaflets Printed copies are available from the office, free of charge for bereaved parents (see contact details on the back page).
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2024 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2024/08. Cover photo ©Chris Barbalis on Unsplash. Remembering my beautiful granddaughter Jessica Mary Gower. With love from Grandma General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk
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