UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Watching our words It will never be easy to know what to say when someone’s child has died, however good our intentions may be. While it is usually better to say something than nothing, here are some examples of remarks that often make things worse: “Time is a great healer.” “Don’t you feel it’s time to move on now?” Time does not heal grief any more than it regrows an amputated limb. The loss of a child is permanent. They will carry their child’s memories for the rest of their lives. “I don’t know how you cope, I couldn’t”; “How strong you are!”; “I don’t know how you have survived.” This type of comment is meant to be an encouragement. The trouble is, it can cause the parent to shut down. They are living with turmoil and anxiety, and are often a million miles from doing well, and they need to be able to express this honestly without feeling that they’re letting people down. “I know how you feel.” None of us truly knows how someone else feels. Even if we too are bereaved of a child or other close relative, our personalities, family stories and relationships can never be identical to the person we are supporting. “It is God’s will”; “They are in a better place”; “God only takes the best”; “The good die young”; “They are an angel in paradise”; “They will always remain young and never suffer the indignities of old age”; “They are only in the next room.” Few parents will feel consoled by this type of remark, no matter how well-intentioned. The reality for a bereaved parent is that their
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