Living with grief

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our priority now is our own survival. We should not feel obliged to measure up to somebody else’s expectations. We are each unique. Even though it may seem that we are in similar circumstances, we each have to find our own way through. The trauma of our child’s death may create tensions within our marriage or relationship. We may feel too drained to support each other as we would wish. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace, and we may not understand each other’s pattern of grief. Our partner needs to their own space to grieve, just as we do. Almost every parent feels a sense of guilt when their child dies, over things they have done or not done, said or not said to their child. We may feel that we should not be alive when our child is not. However far-fetched, we tend to blame ourselves over the cause of death – for example, allowing our child to have a car, go backpacking or swimming, and so on. Whether the death occurred suddenly or after a long illness, we torture ourselves with thoughts that we should have taken better care of our child, so that their suffering might have been reduced or death averted. No matter how irrational our reasoning, we are plagued by “what ifs”. So often we demand more of ourselves than we expect of others. We would not reproach others with the judgement we cast upon ourselves. Most parents try to do the best they can in a situation where there are no rehearsals or second chances. Later we may think that we should have done something differently, but that is with the benefit of hindsight. Anger is another common feature of grief. We may feel angry over the circumstances of our child’s death, or with the people involved, whether or not they were really to blame. We may resent relatives, friends or colleagues for the things they say, or omit to say. We sense that they are uncomfortable in our company. Perhaps they avoid mentioning our child’s name “for fear of reminding us,” or they expect us to function normally within a short time. We may blame God or bewail the unfairness of life, asking, “Why did this happen to my child?”