Living with grief

UK Helpline: 0 345 123 23 0 4 | tcf.org.uk while, so that we are less likely to encounter people who know us – shopping at a supermarket further away from home, or attending different classes or clubs, for example. We should not feel obliged to attend social occasions, such as parties at work or family gatherings, where the conversation often revolves around children. Even strangers may casually ask us how many children we have. For us, this is a question without an easy answer. Members of our family, including our child’s grandparents or even our spouse, may show their grief in different ways to ourselves. For instance, they might seem more accepting of our child’s death, whereas we may focus our time and effort in keeping the memories of our child alive. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and tension. It can help to realise that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. We each must find our own ways to live with this devastating loss. Friends generally rally round at first. However, as time passes, they may not be able to continue their support; they may feel it is time we “got over it.” We have to take care of ourselves. We will never be the same again; some friends will be lost to us, but new ones will also be made. It is here that TCF serves its unique purpose – to provide a safe place for bereaved parents to talk about their child’s life and death without feeling pressured to “move on.” Surviving children will be coping with their own grief and will need our support, which may not be easy for us to give. We may become fearful about their wellbeing and will need to avoid being over- protective. Children need support, time and space to grieve, just as adults do. Their grief may manifest in different ways, depending on their ages, levels of maturity and personalities. (There is more advice on this in the TCF leaflet, Our Surviving Children .)