My child has died. How do I cope?
2 My child has died. How do I cope? This leaflet is written by The Compassionate Friends. The members of our charity have all lost a child, or a brother or sister. We know how sad it is. The death of a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You may be feeling deep sadness and shock. We hope this leaflet will help you find ways to cope. Getting help Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk
3 The first days and weeks Straight after your child has died you will probably feel shocked and numb. What has happened might not seem real. You might not be able to concentrate. You may cry a lot. You will probably spend lots of time thinking about what happened when your child died. Nothing else seems important now. You may feel angry or confused. It can feel as if you are going mad, but it is very normal to feel like this. Meeting people for the first time after the death of your child can be very hard. You might have to tell them what has happened. They often do not know how to react. This can make you feel very lonely in your grief. My heart is broken
4 I feel very sad. My stomach hurts. I cry a lot. It is difficult to sleep and sometimes I have bad dreams. I can’t concentrate. I keep forgetting things. I’m quite moody. I am very angry! I don’t feel like eating. I can’t be bothered.
5 I have no feelings. It just does not seem real. I feel like I am acting in a film. I’m awake a lot of the night. I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I can’t believe he has really died! I feel like it’s my fault she died. I’m just so tired. I have no energy at all. I can’t cry I feel numb.
6 Be kind to yourself! This means doing the things that make your life a bit easier and that you enjoy. Looking after yourself Coping with grief is not easy. Here are some things we have found helpful. Small meals or healthy snacks are a good idea if you don’t have much appetite. You might find it helps to keep busy. Some parents go back to work soon, but some take a longer break away. It is important to do what feels right to you. Give yourself the time you need. Ask friends or family for help if it is difficult to take care of other children or pets.
7 Get some rest when you can, especially if you don’t sleep well at night. Going outside every day usually helps. Even a short walk or a few minutes in nature can help you feel better. Avoid too much drink. Alcohol or drugs might feel like they are helping, but usually they make you feel worse in the end. Some grieving parents want to be alone. Some like to be with friends. Remember, there is no rulebook for grieving. Do what feels right to you. You don’t have to accept invitations to go out if you don’t want to.
8 Coping with your grief There is no wrong or right way to grieve. Here are some suggestions from bereaved parents. These ideas have helped them. Talking It is important to talk when you need to. Find ways to let out your feelings. • Many bereaved parents find it helps to talk to other parents who have lost a child. They know how it feels. Everyone at The Compassionate Friends has lost a child or a sibling. We are here to listen to you. You can find our contact details on the back page. • You could talk to friends or family, but be aware that some people might find it too difficult to support you at this time. • You can talk to a counsellor. You can arrange this privately, through your doctor or through a charity. Cruse Bereavement Support cruse.org.uk Sue Ryder sueryder.org Sands sands.org.uk The Lullaby Trust lullabytrust.org.uk In addition to The Compassionate Friends, here are some are other charities that can help:
9 Bereaved parents tell us, “This is what helped me cope with my grief.” Being creative • painting and crafting • writing poetry • keeping a journal • playing a musical instrument Getting some exercise • yoga • walking • vigorous exercise • running • weight lifting or boxing Relaxing • listening to music • cooking • meditating or praying • watching television Getting out and about • joining a community group • learning something new • gardening • surrounding myself with nature Perhaps there is something here that you would like to try.
10 Coping at home Home can be a place of comfort and safety, but sometimes there are problems at home when people are grieving. Tension and conflict Your partner or other family members may be grieving in different ways. Sometimes this leads to hurt feelings. It is important to be patient and understanding with each other. Everyone needs space and time to grieve in their own way. Loneliness If your partner, family or friends do not understand how the death of your child is affecting you, you could feel very lonely. If you live alone, you may feel very isolated. You might feel even more alone if you have no other children. It can help to talk with other parents in similar situations. (See TCF contact details on the back page.)
11 Weight of responsibilities You might struggle to take care of things at home, like housework, or you might want to spend time at home but have to go out to work. If you have other children, they will be suffering too. It is important that they can cry and be sad when they need to. Caring for your children while you are grieving will not be easy. These charities can offer help for children who are grieving Child Bereavement UK childbereavementuk.org Winston's Wish - giving hope to grieving children winstonswish.org The Compassionate Friends runs support groups to help young adult siblings tcf.org.uk/siblingonlinegroups
12 If your grief becomes unbearable Some parents feel that they do not want to live any more when their child has died. If these feelings become very strong it is important to talk to someone right away. Talk to your doctor if you cannot cope with your feelings. You can also contact the Samaritans at any time of the day or night. Samaritans Call free: 116 123 Email: jo@samaritans.org
13 Remembering Many parents find it comforting to find special ways to remember their child, although sometimes this is very painful. You will have to face anniversaries, birthdays and other important dates. It can help to plan how to spend your time. Sometimes it is difficult to know what to do with your children’s belongings — their clothes and books, phone and devices, hobbies and toiletries, and all the things they valued in their lifetime. Try not to rush into making decisions. Later, you may have more ideas about what you would like to do with these things.
14 I’ve been organising the photos and made a big collage. I used some of her clothes to make a teddy bear. I listen to his favourite music. Bereaved parents tell us, “This is how I like to remember my child” I visit the grave. I have a memory box with special items. I boxed up some of my child’s clothes and gave them to a homeless shelter. I light candles.
15 I planted a tree in memory. I built a special corner in my garden. I enjoy cooking my child’s favourite meal. I write letters to my child. I’ve been making a scrapbook of memories. I scattered my son’s ashes on the beach. Now I go for walks there.
16 As time goes on Grief does not go in a straight line. There will be good days and bad days. Sometimes you will feel like your grief is getting worse. Other times you will cope okay. The sadness and pain never go away completely. Still, eventually the pain softens and is not so raw. This does not mean you are forgetting your child. You are learning to live your life with your precious memories safely in your heart. It is possible to live a life with meaning after your child dies. Sometimes helping other people is a way of finding meaning. I’ve been volunteering at a foodbank. I took a collection at work for a charity. I visit elderly people in my neighbourhood who live alone. I walk a dog from the local shelter. I went on a charity walk to raise money for the hospice that cared for my child. I took part in a memorial sports event.
17 You are not alone Please do not feel like you are alone. We here at The Compassionate Friends have also suffered the death of a child or children. We know how difficult life can be now. We all have different memories. We have happy memories, but some of us also have sad memories of our child’s illness or how they died. What we have in common is that we all love our children, no matter what happened. We will never forget our children. We carry them with us in our hearts for the rest of our lives. We love them forever.
18 Other leaflets The Compassionate Friends has a website where you can find dozens of leaflets on different topics. Find them here: tcf.org.uk/leaflets You can also call our office. We send out printed copies of the leaflets free of charge to bereaved parents. Here are a few of the titles. There are many more. • Living with Grief • A Mother’s Grief • A Father’s Grief • Remembering our Child Handbook
19 Notes
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. © 2024 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2024/14. Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open from 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 11pm every day. Calls are always answered by a parent whose child has died. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk In memory of Emma Bender, whose smile will live for ever.
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