One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Grief is tough to cope with “I realised later that I should have been more patient with myself in those early months.” During our early grief, we are in an extremely fragile state. We are vulnerable, perhaps tearful, and can feel alone and uncomfortable, set apart from the rest of the world. Meeting people can be very stressful. We may have to tell them about our dreadful news. Answering simple questions is difficult and painful. We may have lost our self-confidence. Even a trip to the supermarket may seem too much for us. It will take time to get back on top of things. “I don’t know why, but somehow it seems to help me feel better, even for a moment, if I can have a good cry.” Tears can be an important way of expressing terrible pain and even have a physical purpose in grief – they release “feel good” chemicals and are cathartic. They also signal to others that we need support. Some of us will find ourselves unable to cry, but if the tears do come, it is usually better to let them flow rather than bottling them up. If we find ourselves crying in public, we should not worry about what other people might think. “People ask me if I’m feeling better! They don’t seem to comprehend that my child’s death is the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. I can never be ‘better’.” “I was surprised that they didn’t get in touch again after the funeral.” The insensitivity of others can often be difficult to cope with. Some people may seem uncomfortable in our company and avoid mentioning our child “for fear of reminding us”. If we mention our child, they change the subject. This is hurtful. If we would like others to continue to talk about our child, it may be helpful to say so directly.
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