For parents bereaved of an only child or all their children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Am I still a parent if I have no child? “I find myself deeply preoccupied with the question, if I have no child, am I still a parent?” The death of our only child, or all our children, will change the way we see ourselves, and can change the way others perceive us. We have lost our role of parent and may feel a lack of direction in our present life. It can take a long time to discover what our new role will be. There is no one now to call us “Mum” or “Dad”, and this reinforces our sense of lost identity. If our child was living at home, we face an abrupt end to our active parenting. Even if they had left home, we perhaps still played a part as the parents of an adult child, with the joys that often accompany this mature relationship. Ultimately, after much self-questioning, confusion and pain, we come to acknowledge and understand that we were, are and always will be, parents of our dear child. Our caring now has to take other forms. Loss of companionship “We always went away for a few days together in the summer. Now I’m at a loss and wonder if I will be able to go to our favourite beach without them.” An only child may well have grown to be a close friend and confidante, as well as offering practical and emotional support in their adult years. The loss is therefore of an irreplaceable friendship as well as of a beloved child, especially if we have no partner or are widowed. If our child had been living away from home, we will miss the contact we had with them, such as phone calls, texts, emails, and their social media updates. This will impact us even more if we are elderly or if our own life is physically restricted. We may become more vulnerable if we have depended on an adult child for physical or emotional support. Friends or other family members can take on important roles, but they will never replace our children.