For parents bereaved of an only child or all their children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Some may try to comfort us by suggesting that we can have more children or adopt. Whether or not this is possible or desirable in our circumstances, we are mourning our irreplaceable child. Such suggestions, while well meaning, are not helpful. Some people may try to encourage us by saying that we are now ‘free’ to pursue our own interests – a career, further study, holidays, community commitments, and so on. However well meant, such comments can be deeply hurtful and leave us feeling isolated in our grief. “I hate hearing other parents complain about something or other that their child has done, the mess they left in their bedroom or their lack of motivation in their job. What I would give to have something like this to talk about!” The question of having more children “I didn’t think I’d ever want another child, but it’s been amazing how happy my new baby has made me. Of course, she’s not taking my late child’s place. They both have unique places in my heart.” For some of us, if our child or children have died, we have no further interest in bringing more children into our lives. However, some childless parents feel a great longing to fill the home once again, perhaps after some time has passed. We may be able to have further children ourselves, although the decision to have another child is often accompanied by anxieties. Alternatively, we may consider fostering or adoption. Some parents, especially those who cannot have more children of their own, have taken an informal but long-lasting interest in other children, for example, disadvantaged or refugee children. These options need a great deal of careful thought, but the commitment to such a child can bring great joy and benefit to everyone involved.