Our surviving adult children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends least not with us. We will need to accept that everyone’s way of grieving is equally valid, even if dissimilar. Our own grief may be all-consuming and may change us fundamentally. It can be difficult for our children to witness this. They may feel that they have not only lost their sibling, but they have also lost their parent in some respects. We may not have much “bandwidth” to be able to support our living children, especially in the early days. The circumstances that led up to our child’s death, and how they died, may have left us too overwhelmed by our own shock and pain. Later on, we may feel guilty that we were not always able to support our surviving children to the extent that we would have wished. We know that this was because at times our grief overwhelmed us, but knowing this doesn’t always remove our regret. We should be kind to ourselves; we have been managing the best we can in an immensely difficult situation. Even when we feel able to do so, it may be hard to know how best to support our surviving children. They are adults with their own lives and social networks, and these might be their first port of call for support rather than ourselves. We should not be surprised if our offers of help are declined, as they may be more comfortable communicating with people of their own age. In addition, seeing our own devastating grief, they may feel reluctant to add to our pain by sharing their own. Honesty Being a parent is never easy. We are now trying to manage our feelings of grief alongside our concerns for our surviving children. We may not want them to witness the absolute depth of our grief, nor to overburden them by adding our grief to theirs. On the other hand, seeing us express at least some of the pain of our grief may actually be a help to them, particularly if they have been internalising their own feelings. People who are grieving do sometimes cry or shout, and this “facing into grief” is ultimately helpful. This applies to them as well as to us. If we are able to be open with our children and encourage them to be open about their grief as well, it may prevent them trying to bury their grief. This could potentially save them from suffering from delayed grief at a later date.