Our surviving adult children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends If their sibling was older, there may be a difficult time ahead when they reach the age when their sibling died. This could set them back in their grief journey. We will want to stay aware of this and be ready to offer our support. Sharing memories of our child, their sibling “My parents and I often talk about my brother. It is so nice to have the opportunity to talk about my memories of him, and to hear about things I don’t remember.” Annie Our child is still part of our family, and we want to talk about them, just as we would if they were still alive. Sharing memories together can help us to adjust to a “new normal” of family life. Sometimes, these memories may crop up in passing, but we may also want to make time to talk about them, for example on anniversaries or special occasions. Siblings may enjoy taking part in the sharing of memories or they may find them too difficult. “I talk about their sibling’s faults in a light-hearted way, such as by bemoaning the fact that they never tidied their room or washed up. It shows my other children that I know their sister was not perfect, but we loved her.” Samira We need to avoid our surviving children feeling that they have impossible standards to live up to, or that their sibling has been placed on a pedestal. This could happen if we only talk about our deceased child’s positive attributes, neglecting to also mention their faults when it’s appropriate. In addition, their relationship with their sibling will have been different to our relationship with our child, and their memories of past events may be different too. They may sometimes feel we are being unrealistic in the way we recall and describe our memories. Being truthful and open about memories – both the happy memories as well as those that are sadder – can lead to deeper understanding between everyone. If we are not able to be open, it can become increasingly difficult to discuss painful topics that do need to be aired. This may be particularly the case if our deceased child had made life choices that had a negative impact on them or anyone else, or if they had taken their own life. If our child is spoken about honestly and realistically in the context of our adult conversations, it helps us bond going forward.