Our surviving adult children

UK Helpline: 0 345 123 23 0 4 | tcf.org.uk Managing special occasions (weddings, birthdays, and other events) “You told us we were all loved, planned and wanted, and remembering this now is a comfort.” Sarah “My husband made my daughter and me a ‘Little Book of Thomas’ for the first Christmas without my son. It evoked many tears, but ensured that Thomas was as present at Christmas as he had always been. The book sits on the table every Christmas.” Linda Inevitably, as time goes by, we will have to navigate special occasions and family celebrations. Events which should have been purely joyous are now also tinged with sadness. Weddings, birthdays, and the arrival of new babies can all trigger bittersweet emotions, both for us and for our surviving children. We may feel strongly that we want our child to be remembered in a particular way at family events. Our surviving children may feel the same, but they could also have a different point of view. Talking about each other’s wishes and ideas can help make these occasions positive and comforting. We may sometimes need to compromise our ideas in order to find a solution which suits everyone. When it is a special occasion specifically for our surviving children, such as their graduation or wedding day, we will need to focus on them. Diverting attention to their deceased sibling at such a time could leave them feeling less valued or loved. This will not have been our intention, but could be the outcome if we are not sensitive. Discussing together beforehand whether their sibling will be mentioned or acknowledged can help prevent unnecessary hurt. They may in fact want their sibling to be included in the celebration in some way, but we will not know their wishes unless we talk about it. As with many aspects of things in our grief journey, talking things through in advance and trying to plan ahead can make significant dates easier to cope with for everyone involved.