Our surviving children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Our children’s place in our family At a time when everything is bewildering, our surviving children find that their place in the new family structure is different. For the first time they may now be the oldest or the youngest child or possibly the only child. Their changed status may lead to new anxieties or responsibilities. They could feel very isolated and alone. Older children may feel they should look after their younger surviving siblings after the death of a brother or sister and this can be an important aspect of comfort and help for everyone. It can seem as if the roles of parent and child are reversed for a while. It is important that balance is reached and that all family members come to recognise their own limits. Sometimes a child takes on too much in supporting others, at the expense of coping with their own grief, which can resurface later. It can also be the root of future resentments. Our surviving children are mourning and this may not be adequately acknowledged by other family members and friends who direct their attention mainly at us, the bereaved parents. They might feel they have to fulfil their own role as well as that of their dead sibling, trying to be two people, adopting some or all of the habits and interests of their deceased brother or sister. Alternatively they may be frustrated at what they perceive as the idealisation of the deceased child, whose virtues are praised and whose less attractive qualities seem forgotten. Our family unit has been altered forever. There is a void which can never be filled. Doing and making things together can be therapeutic. Some families make a memory book or memory box together, which can be a lasting treasure as well as a source of present comfort. Drawings, letters, post cards, photographs and possibly newspaper or magazine cuttings will be triggers for recollection in years to come. The family may wish to create a memorial of some kind, either digital or physical or both. Where there are any memorials or ongoing commemorative events for our dead child, it is very important that our surviving children are given the opportunity to participate; that we value and listen to their opinions and wishes. Sometimes family members choose to remember their sibling through fundraising, or raising awareness. As parents we want to provide opportunities for our children to express their grief although we should appreciate that their ways may be different from ours.