Our surviving children

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Euphemisms can confuse our children and cause anxiety. For example, our children may seek out their sibling who is “lost,” or could become afraid at bedtime if they are told their sibling “went to sleep.” Our children may blame themselves or others for their sibling’s death. They may become fearful that they or their parents will also die. Our children will need clear explanations and reassurance to help them cope with these things. If we do not have all the answers it is fine to say so. Our religious faith may guide our responses to our children’s questions. Depending on the circumstances of our child’s death, we may have to contend with formalities, such as a police investigation and/or an inquest, or media attention. It is important that our surviving children are informed where possible of what happened to their sibling, in age appropriate language. It is quite possible they will hear something about it via social media or amongst friends, and it is far better that we would have already told them ourselves. Social media is an environment where friends and family can pay their respects in a very public way, which may be a great source of comfort to surviving family members. Sadly it may also attract attention that is less welcome as some internet users deliberately target the vulnerable. We should be aware and encourage our children to tell us about any unwanted internet communications. It is natural that t he running of our household and the rhythm of our daily lives has been disrupted by the loss our child. For the sake of our surviving children, we will want to try to regain some normality . Behaviour problems are not uncommon at this time. Although it can be difficult, it is very important that we as parents try to set realistic boundaries without becoming over protective or too permissive. Our children need the right support to find healthy mechanisms to cope with their grief. As parents we need to watch out for signs that they are reacting to their grief in ways that are unhealthy or destructive. Unfortunately some young people do show extreme responses to their grief. They may seek to numb their pain through activities such as self harm, alcohol or substance misuse. Others may experiment with sex, seeking close physical contact and intimacy. Some may hurt others, acting out of anger. A few may think about suicide, particularly if their sibling has taken their own life. We need to remain vigilant and raise any concerns with school staff and health professionals.