The Compassionate Friends (UK) 17 APPENDIX Remembering our child: The gift of ‘continuing bonds’ As members of The Compassionate Friends (TCF), we know first-hand the agony of child bereavement, as we are bereaved parents or close family members of a child who has died. We are each unique in our own ways, with our own families, backgrounds, circumstances, religions and cultures, but one thing we have in common is the desire to honour our child or sibling’s memory. This leaflet and the accompanying handbook have been put together to provide some practical suggestions for remembering and honouring the memories of our children. We also look at some of the issues that can arise as we remember. We invite you to select what you find helpful, or perhaps use this as a springboard for activities that are more appropriate for you. Just as there is no wrong or right way to grieve, there is no wrong or right way to remember. Memorialising or ‘continuing bonds’ “When I eat my child’s favourite meal, or when I share their favourite chocolate with friends, they seem just a little bit closer. It is a bittersweet activity, as I miss them so much, but I am glad to remember the times they were happy.” Memorialising is a way of marking the memory of our child, focusing on their life and not just their death. It allows us the opportunity to carry precious memories of our child forward with us. Our child may not be physically with us anymore, but the memory of them will live on and be in our hearts forever. There is no right or wrong way to do this, and there are a variety of things we can do. Whether we choose to remember our child through photos, telling stories about their life on social media or in person, by planting a tree, or some other method, memorialising gives us the opportunity to ensure that our child has an everlasting presence in our lives, the lives of other people who knew and loved them, and even those who never met them. Some people refer to this type of memorialising as “continuing bonds”. This term was first suggested in a book Continuing Bonds: Another View of Grief (edited by Klass, Silverman and Nickman), in which the authors proposed that grief isn’t about working through “stages” until we accept and “forget”, but finding ways to slowly adjust to a changed relationship with the person who died, maintaining a continued bond to the extent the person wishes.
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