Handbook of Ideas for Remembering our Child | tcf.org.uk 18 This includes, but is not limited to, common activities such as keeping photos, treasuring certain items and sometimes talking to the deceased person, but also includes more innovative ways, such as running a marathon in their name, starting a charity, dedicating a bench, and so on. Most of us do this type of activity already, of course, but the “continuing bonds” model explains why this can be a helpful part of our grieving. For example, we can be creative with memorialising activities, combining what our child liked with what we enjoy, such as incorporating our love of painting with our child’s love of animals, by painting pictures of animals. In a way, we will have created something with them. You can read more about “continuing bonds” here: whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-grief-paradigm Being aware “Arranging to do a sponsored walk on behalf of a charity that my child cared about has been a great activity. My friends got involved too. There was quite a bit to do beforehand with training and organising. Now the walk is complete, I’m giving myself a bit of break from so many remembrance activities. I feel I need some time for myself.” Remembrance activities are a poor substitute for the living presence of our child. None of these activities will bring our child back, but hopefully this type of activity can bring at least some comfort as we adjust to the reality of living without them. The death of our child can make us feel as though we have lost control over so many things. “Continuing bonds” is a way of taking back some of that control – investing our time, efforts and thoughts into appropriate memorial activities. Hopefully, we will reach a place where precious memories overtake the sadder thoughts relating to their death. The amount of time we spend on these activities is up to us, but it is good to be self-aware. If at any time a remembrance activity becomes a trigger for really sad memories and flashbacks, or if we are spending long periods of time on it, we might need to give ourselves a bit of a break. Finding the right balance could mean setting aside time for our remembrance activities, or it might mean keeping those activities within a specified time slot. This, of course, does not mean we will not think or talk about our child at other times, but it is important to live our own lives too. There might be some strategies we could use to help achieve this balance. For example, we could visualise putting our thoughts about our child in a safe place, like a safe or a chest, and closing the door for a while. The thoughts are not lost; they are waiting for us when we are ready to look at them again.
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