Handbook of Ideas for Remembering our Child | tcf.org.uk 20 Loving and remembering our child, no matter what “One benefit I have found from remembrance activities is that I focus on my child as a whole person, not the trauma of how their life ended.” If our child had a troubled life, it can be a struggle to remember good and happier times. Similarly, if our child died in traumatic circumstances, this can make remembrance activities more difficult, as we might be overwhelmed by sadness or other difficult emotions. On the other hand, remembrance activities can help us put their lives into a better perspective. If we had a difficult relationship with our child, we too may need to make a conscious effort to remember good and happier times, and the actions we take to maintain our “continuing bonds” can help. We might also want to express our feelings by writing letters or poems. Differences within the household “My daughter wanted her brother to be acknowledged at her wedding, so we had a table with photos. This was her choice and it worked well.” Within the circle of our family or friends, shared memories can be a great source of comfort. Yet everyone grieves in their own way. If we have a partner, it can be difficult if their reactions and needs are not in step with our own. This is not uncommon. We need to consider all members of our family, particularly if we have other children. If we put too much emphasis on remembrance, there is a risk that they may feel left out. It often works best if we can give them the opportunity to participate in remembering their sibling together with us. In this way, all of our bonds of love are strengthened. As we undertake various activities to remember our child, we should bear in mind that not everyone will understand or even approve of these efforts. Some family members and friends may be of the opinion that it is unhealthy and we need to “move on”. The reality is that we do not stop being a parent to our child, nor does our child cease to be an important part of our lives, even though they have died. Our “continued bonds” are a necessary means for finding some small comfort.
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