SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2020

SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2020 | www.tcf.org.uk 15 Gill’s Story by Gill Pasgali My beautiful sister, Jenny, died 29 years ago when she was hit by a speeding vehicle on the way from school. I miss my sister every day and wish she was here in person next to me, to laugh together and share our lives with each other. I frequently wonder what my life would be like if she was here. I certainly would have experienced much less trauma and hurt, and more fun and joy. I turned 40 in June this year and I felt upset, sad and hacked off that she could not be here in person to celebrate with me. I missed someone very important. Sometimes I buy a card with sister written on the front from her to me. It can help me feel that she is still a part of my life. Some days I am angry with her for leaving me behind on my own, even though I know that was never her plan. On some days, I’ve wished that I had gone and she was still here. I used to think that perhaps she’d of made a better fist of it than me, but I’ve learned that I am valuable for who I am. Jenny was (and still is) a great big sister who was caring and protective towards me. She was intelligent and we had lots of fun together. One of my favourite memories is of us having a two-legged race up the stairs, giggling our heads off. One of us would always declare we needed the loo (even though neither of us did), so we’d both have to be in the bathroom while one of us ‘used’ the loo! Another of my memories is me accidentally dropping my ice-cream. I was upset and she automatically gave me hers. I didn’t expect her to. It was such a generous, thoughtful thing to do. While I have many fun and happy memories, I am gutted that I have missed out on so much. I am jealous of other peoples’ sibling relationships, although I know that relationships between siblings aren’t always rosy. I often think if only I could have had a few more years. I was nearly 11 when Jenny died (she 14). I have missed out on our teenage years together, an adult friendship and someone to share family memories with. I have so many unanswered questions. Would she have continued to enjoy drama and theatre and become an actress (whether amateur or professional)? She had a leading part in a play just before she died. Would she have got married? Had children? Would I now be an aunty? What would her hobbies be? I have happy memories of warmth, love, fun and joy, but I have so much sadness and musings over what could and should have been. It feels a huge burden to live with a grief that will never end. I love you, Jenny. I am so glad that you’re my sister. Love, Gill xx