SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2021

SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2021 | www.tcf.org.uk 10 What support do we need from friends and those around us when we’re deep in grief? Dr Joanne Cacciatore, a research professor at ASU, has published a study in the Public Library of Science based on research with colleagues that asked grieving people about their experiences, to find out what good grief support might look like. The group’s first key finding was that good social support in grief means ‘having a community of people who are safe to share your journey of grief with; who don’t try to fix you or hurry you… people who let me say her name and tell stories about her’, as one respondent put it. That sounds very much like what TCF tries to provide: peer support from those who understand. But what about friends, who don’t necessarily understand? One respondent said good support meant ‘people checking on me, inviting me to places, listening and remembering’; another said: ‘Having a community of people around us that are willing to listen and be there for each other.’ Many people most wanted more acts of emotional caring from friends. They told researchers they needed ‘consistent communication, acceptance of my feelings, allowing me space as needed, listening without trying to fix or belittle my grief’ … ‘Just being present. Not trying to fix anything. Listening. Letting me talk about Thomas. Remembering Thomas. Honouring him.’ … ‘Telling me that my grief is valid, that my feelings are real. Basically just allowing me to be.’ … ‘ANYONE doing ANYTHING that lets me know they are thinking of him.’ … ‘Just letting me mention his name without awkward silence or changing the subject.’ Sadly, grievers had plenty of unsupportive experiences. Specifically, people disliked the use of platitudes; judging or rushing grief; failure to approach or acknowledge loss; feeling abandoned by family, friends, and community members; avoidance of grief and griever; not listening; the perception that others were pretending the person who died had never existed; others’ propensity to centre their own needs and feelings above the primary griever; and offering unsolicited advice, especially about how to heal grief. A final key finding might surprise those living with grief less than it did the researchers: animals and pets ranked high in providing comfort. Perhaps it’s because they have the gift of offering affection and company so consistently, while never saying the wrong thing. ‘Don’t try to fix me…’ What is good (and bad) support in grief?