SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2021

SIBBS Newsletter, Autumn 2021 | www.tcf.org.uk 4 Martin, the Memory Bear by Heather Sutherland At the age of 19, in the summer before he headed to university, my brother Martin spent a few weeks in Venezuela. He had a wonderful experience, and, despite contracting dengue fever at one point, made fabulous memories and had stories to tell and tell. He returned home, I believe, feeling that it had been a fulfilling trip entirely in line with what he’d both wanted and needed. He brought back with him a jacket, a handwoven zip-up hoody, blue, grey and white, with llama and sun depictions all over it. It felt lovely to touch and was so warm and comforting to wear, almost like a weighted blanket in feel. I loved it from the moment I saw it, and despite my imploring him to surrender it to me, he would have none of it, clearly enjoying – in the nicest possible terms, of course – telling me where to go. I accepted defeat. When Martin died, I kept three items of his clothing: a red hat, a navy hoodie and this jacket. I don’t have any pictures of him wearing it, but it is him and he is it, and this jacket has been one of the only ways that I have felt any “Martin presence” since he left. I have worn the jacket a couple of times since my brother’s death - once, in his honour, on a suicide prevention sunrise walk to the Angel of the North; once walking along Hadrian’s Wall to Sycamore Gap on the day that I scattered some of his ashes there. Since the latter occasion, though, it existed in my wardrobe only. I did toy with the idea of fixing the zip that had broken whilst Martin was still in the world, but I couldn’t bring myself to change it, to alter something he’d left in a particular way, albeit a broken one. Heading towards the 10th anniversary of Martin’s death this year, I began to sense a need to do something with this jacket, but I also felt that if I were to do something with it, it would need to be radically different, to create an entirely new item, memory. A lot of research was carried out to find a trustworthy company to make the conversion. I ultimately chose a bear over a cushion for this treasured piece, in large part because, as much as they are inanimate objects, bears arguably still have personality, and I felt that a bear’s personality may actually help me feel Martin’s by proxy, however strange that might sound! My most recent, and last, wear of the item therefore came the day before I parcelled the jacket up and sent it away to be converted into a new friend, my memory bear.