A nationwide organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after a child dies. Our Child, Social Media and their Digital Legacy A Brief Guide for Bereaved Parents
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The memories we have of our children are precious. We keep physical mementos of their lives – photographs, some of their clothes, items from their sports activities or hobbies, pictures they painted, letters they wrote, and much more. Yet today we also exist in a virtual world – in the electronic memory of a laptop, smartphone or other device, on the internet through social media platforms such as Facebook and X (formerly Twitter), as well as on blogs and websites and in remote storage in the “Cloud”. We have therefore created a range of “digital footprints”, both intentionally and inadvertently. If our child has died, their digital footprints are their “digital legacy”. It can be just as important to be able to access and preserve this digital content as to preserve the material reminders of our children. Our child’s digital footprints and legacy Our child’s digital legacy may be found anywhere they had interacted on the internet or on their connected devices. For instance, their mobile phone may contain photographs they have taken or received, voice or text messages, videos and other material that do not exist anywhere else. Their Facebook page, Instagram, TikTok, or X posts, videos, or comments they’ve put on YouTube or a personal blog may include a host of memories and precious insights into our child. All of these have emotional value, and it is this type of digital legacy that we will explore in this leaflet. It is not possible to provide detailed guidance as the policies and terms of service of social media providers and other services are in a constant state of development and change. However, we hope to cover the main general points and provide you with enough links to get started. Our child, social media, and their digital legacy
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Please note: A “digital asset” is something of commercial value that exists or is accessed solely by digital or electronic means. Digital assets include software, photographs, logos, artwork, music, eBooks, animations, videos, presentations, and online bank accounts. These types of digital legacy are beyond the scope of this leaflet. If you need to access your child’s digital assets, it is best to take legal and technical advice. Privacy concerns and other considerations It is wise to pause before we step into our child’s digital world and ask ourselves the same type of questions that we might consider before reading their diaries. Once we enter, we may discover networks of friends we knew nothing about. We may discover interests and activities which we were unaware of. We may find ourselves reading their private correspondence or discover very personal matters. So, there are a few important factors to consider before going any further. Naturally, much depends on the age of our child. If they were a teenager or an adult, it will be quite different from a younger child. Also, if our adult child was married or in a civil partnership, we are most likely not their next of kin, and we therefore may not have the legal right to take possession of their devices or social media accounts. The primary issue is our child’s own intentions and wishes. If they were anticipating their death, they may have made some arrangements for their digital legacy, or at least expressed their wishes. They might have asked a close friend or a sibling to act on their behalf. If we cannot find explicit guidance, we may be steered by our knowledge of our child and their views on privacy. We may have to balance our own desire to find out as much as we can about our child with a consideration of how they may have felt about this. We may wish to discuss this with other family members. Secondly, there is the privacy of those with whom our child has communicated. If we gain access to their email, WhatsApp and social media accounts, we will be looking at an exchange of communication between them and their friends. Some might have been clearly intended for public viewing, such as a public Facebook post or blog, but others may have been private conversations.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Thirdly, there is our own self-preservation. If we start exploring our child’s digital footprint, we may discover they took part in activities, held opinions, or had friends we knew nothing about. These might be positive, but there may be some aspects of their lives that can cause us additional grief and pain. Whatever has happened in the past cannot be changed. If we are not ready to face this knowledge, it would be sensible to think carefully about whether or not to proceed. Accessing our child’s digital world is a very personal decision. Just as we may struggle with knowing what to do with their belongings, we must also make decisions regarding their digital legacy. However, an initial decision should not be delayed too long as some internet accounts or services could be suspended if not used within a certain length of time. It may be a good idea to gain access early on, preserve the content and decide later how much to explore the account. It is advisable to keep a record of any passwords for future reference. Practical advice What might we find and where? Content can be stored on any device, as well as cameras, SD memory cards, portable storage devices such as USB sticks or an external hard drive. These days, the majority of photos and videos are either backed up or kept exclusively by remote File Hosting services such as Google Drive for most smartphones, tablets or laptops; on OneDrive for Microsoft users; or on iCloud for Apple users. When searching for precious photos, videos or documents belonging to your child, check their hosting service account(s) to see if they are saved there. Photographs and text: In the online world, photos can be located on social networks such as Facebook, TikTok and Instagram. They can also be kept in online photo albums or designated picture-sharing websites such as Pinterest, Google Photos or iCloud. Photos can also be uploaded to a commercial site such as Photobox or Snapfish, but these sites are not set up for sharing, and after a modest period of time will either be archived or deleted by the site provider. In either case, no-one will be able to download these photos.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Videos: In the online world, videos can be stored on social networks such as Facebook, and/or designated websites for video sharing and streaming such as YouTube or Vimeo. Audio recordings: Sound files can be stored and uploaded in similar locations to videos, as well as some sites specifically for audio, such as SoundCloud. Audio recordings may also be found on a mobile phone, as WhatsApp voice messages or as voicemail greetings. Types of social media services Some social media services, such as Facebook, X, TikTok, and Instagram keep the user’s content on the Internet almost indefinitely. Pictures, messages, posts, music files and other material can only be deleted by the user. While YouTube is not a social media platform, users can set up their own accounts and post comments as well as uploading videos. Again, these can remain on the platform almost indefinitely. However, photos and videos sent on SnapChat disappear after a set time. As the information is not saved, these services are less relevant as far as digital legacy is concerned. Gaining access to our child’s digital world The following are some brief points for easy reference. For more details, please see tcf.org.uk/digitallegacyinfo There are two stages of access: access to a physical device such as our child’s smartphone (often protected by a PIN code) and then access to accounts on that device (often password protected). If we ourselves are not technologically proficient, a sibling or a trusted friend – one of our own or perhaps our child’s – may be able to assist. If a device is locked with a PIN or password, we may be able to ask a professional for assistance with unlocking it. Some laptop or phone repair shops may be willing to do this, for a fee, on production of proof that the previous owner is deceased; however, some companies, such as Apple, refuse to do so. Alternatively, if we have no passwords to access a computer, a shop can probably remove the disk drive and attach it to a different device. When handing it over for such work, we should always emphasise its value.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Nearly all online services and sites can be accessed if we know the user ID and password. We may find that a mobile phone or laptop logs into services automatically in which case we can reset the password so that we can gain access in the future. If we want to keep our child’s voicemail greeting from their phone, we could make a recording before the phone number is discontinued, after which we will have no access to it. This can be done manually by playing their greeting whilst recording on another device. Alternatively, we could continue paying to keep their mobile contract active. What we can do about our child’s social media accounts Securing or closing our child’s social media account(s) If we are concerned that people will be able to gain access to our child’s online account, for example their Facebook page, we could consider changing the security settings. This way, we can ensure that posts and personal information are only visible to friends and not accessible to the public. This is particularly important if the circumstances of our child’s death are likely to lead to general media attention. For instance, journalists will be able to take and publish photographs from our child’s page unless the settings are secure. There may be situations when we feel that our child’s social media account needs to be closed, perhaps due to attracting unwanted visitors and hurtful comments. A closed social media account is no longer available to anyone. It and its content are in effect removed from the internet, although comments, photos and videos may be duplicated elsewhere on the internet. Closing the account is a very personal decision and one that should not be taken in haste. As mentioned above, as a starting point we may want to change the settings so that only friends can visit the page. If we do eventually decide that it is necessary to close the account, we could download the contents before taking steps for its deletion.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Legacy contact It is possible that our child may have chosen a family member or friend to be their legacy contact. Provided this person is at least 18 years old, they will be allowed to manage our child’s Facebook account. Instagram does not allow the appointment of a legacy contact. Memorialising an account Of all the major social media platforms, only Facebook and Instagram currently offer to memorialise a deceased person’s account. (Correct as of February 2024. This may well change.) If a social media account is memorialised: • Once memorialised, a Facebook account has the word ‘remembering’ set before the username. Content the person shared (example: photos, posts) stays on Facebook and is visible on Facebook to the audience it was shared with. Memorialised profiles don’t appear in suggestions for ‘people you may know’, ads or birthday reminders. An additional function is also added on their profile that allows those who followed them to share tributes, such as a memory or photo. • Likewise, an Instagram account also has the word ‘remembering’ before their username. All existing posts and videos are visible to the original audience they were shared with, but no more posts can be uploaded. No one will be able to log in to the account, and our child’s profile won’t appear on the Explore page. Please note, at present if we wish to close our child’s Threads account, we will have to close their Instagram account too, as Threads is operated by Instagram. Although Instagram and Facebook can be memorialised, it may be better not to rush to formally “memorialise” our child’s accounts. There are some disadvantages in doing so, such as access becoming restricted. Some people prefer instead to keep their child’s page active, although there is a risk that Facebook will go ahead and memorialise the account if they become aware that it belongs to someone who is deceased. On the other hand, it can be distressing to continue to receive notifications, for example on our child’s birthday. Please see the end of this leaflet for links for closure and memorialising major social media sites.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Using the digital world as a place to remember Creating online memorials An online memorial is a website, blog or page where we can post stories, comments and pictures of our child. Examples of memorial websites are much loved or viva memory. One of the great advantages of an online memorial is that it can be visited by anyone at any time, no matter where they are in the world. Friends and family in other parts of the country or overseas will have immediate access. An online community can be just as real as a physical one. Virtual memorial sites offer the opportunity to post photographs, videos and text. Some offer their services free, while others charge a monthly or annual fee. We may wish to check that a site we intend to use has privacy settings which empowers a moderator (usually ourselves or other nominated family members) to see and approve any post before it is permitted to go on the site. Other important issues Web-based services do not always endure. Memorial sites can close down, so if we upload content online to create virtual memorials or support our child’s digital legacy, we should also back these up onto our own devices. It is a good idea to make a list of websites and services and store the passwords in a safe manner. We should be cautious of online ‘legacy’ services that offer to store passwords and other important data. These could be scams, or simply may not last. The digital world and our memories of our child Life can be a huge struggle as we miss our children daily. Many of us have found that finding ways of keeping connections with our child helps us cope. Looking at online pictures and reading posts can be a way of doing this. If our child was a social media user, then it can be wonderful to be able to ‘hear’ their voice through their posts, messages and photos. If we are a ‘friend’ of our child on Facebook, we will be able to read comments made by friends and family and this can be very comforting. Even with something
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk recreational, such as playing video games, we might learn more about our child’s friends and personality. Although social media gets a lot of criticism – and there certainly can be ugly sides to it – it also allows families and friends to stay in touch with one another all around the world, allowing instant communication and discovery of a world of ideas and information. Maintaining a digital conversation with our network of friends and family, through postings or pictures, messages or blogs, can also be comforting, especially if they too share pictures and stories about our child. Whatever decisions we make about accessing our child’s digital legacy, chances are we also have “footprints” of them on our own social media pages. These are memories we can continue to treasure. Where to go from here For further advice, details, recommended links and much more, please visit tcf.org.uk/digitallegacyinfo. Join the TCF’s Facebook pages or other social media for up-to-date discussions on this and many other topics. This is the third edition (2024) of this leaflet. Information is correct to the best of our knowledge. Please send suggestions and corrections for future updates to info@tcf.org.uk
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Closure and memorialising links for the major social media and comments websites. Close Memorialise FACEBOOK INSTAGRAM Of all the main social media service providers, only Facebook and Instagram currently offer to memorialise a deceased person’s account. Please click on the boxes that correspond to your child’s accounts X (Formerly Twitter) Close Close Close Close Close lINKED IN Close TIKTOK PINTEREST YOUTUBE (now owned by Google) THREADS Other popular accounts Facebook and Instagram Close Memorialise
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Further reading The Compassionate Friends (TCF) have published a range of leaflets to support parents who have experienced the death of their child. The following titles could be helpful at this time: • Living with grief • The death of an adult child • Our adult child’s partner and friends • Grieving the death of a twin child • Handbook of ideas for remembering our child TCF leaflets can be read and downloaded at this link: tcf.org.uk/leaflets Printed copies are available from the office, free of charge for bereaved parents (see contact details on the back page).
Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2023 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2023/7. In memory of our wonderous boy, Fergus Yard. So very loved, forever missed. General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open as often as possible between 10am – 4pm and 7pm - 10pm every day. Calls are answered by a volunteer who is a bereaved parent. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk LINKEDIN @compassionate-friends-uk
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