TCF NEWS Winter 2021 | Issue No 109 In This Issue A newsletter for supporters of The Compassionate Friends COVER STORY: One Dad Cycling Pg 4 We’re back - Bereavement support days Pg 6 News & Comment Pg 8 Fundraising Round-up Pg 10 In Memoriam - Beryl Ross-Bain Pg 11 Glow of remembrance lights up Scottish town Perhaps you heard of the 3 Dads Walking – three fathers, all bereaved by suicide walked 300 miles to raise awareness of and funds for suicide prevention? But did you know that at the same time TCF had our very own One Dad Cycling! On 28 September 2021, 4 years after the death of his son Stevie by suicide Gary Goodwin set off on his epic challenge - to cycle the length of the United Kingdom. Before he embarked on his journey, Gary commented... “I have always wanted to cycle from Land’s End to John O’Groats from a young age. So what better reason to tackle the task by raising money and marking Stevie’s life. I plan to start the solo cycle on the 28 September 2021 (Stevie’s 4th anniversary)... I’m not a young chap so therefore this will not be a speedy journey but more about getting to the finish line!” One Dad Cycling! Land’s End to John O’Groats
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 2 Well, he made it, reaching his goal on 27 October after an incredible and gruelling 922 miles! Gary raised over £2300 for The Compassionate Friends. These vital funds will go towards supporting our work with bereaved parents. Congratulations, Gary, on your amazing challenge and a huge THANKYOU from everyone at The Compassionate Friends. Gary Goodwin has written about the motivation for this epic journey and the rewards and challenges along the way. “When Stevie took his life back in September 2017 our family’s world was turned upside down and a darkness enshrouded us all. I speak for all of us as a family that when we talk about that time in our lives, we all agree that its best described as a kind of dark pain that none of us understood, wanted or had knowledge of. This darkness comes with no light, no escape and no pain killers. The ripples of a child’s death are felt deep and wide, As you suffer in your own silent painful world, there are others outside of your scope that are going through their own pain unable to reach out to you or tell you what they’re going through, perhaps because of some unwritten rule that to tell you of their pain would be in some way selfish, disrespectful or wrong. This is where we found TCF helped us in more ways than we knew. Su (Stevie’s mum) found TCF a place where she could find comfort and help. However, unbeknownst to us, so could other members of our family who also found comfort and common ground between themselves and for this Su and I will be forever grateful. The mere thought of cycling from Land’s End to John O’Groats would have never been enough in itself to get things started. However, if you factor in; the chance to spotlight a great charity, plus the opportunity to keep Stevie’s memory very much alive and close to our hearts, while at the same time getting the message out there to bereaved families that they’re not alone, this kind of made a challenge like this a bit more appealing. On the flip side of the “appeal” before I started this challenge, I was 53 years old, 18 stone and totally unfit! The mere thought of losing weight, getting fit and getting on a bike (the first time in over 30 years) was a challenge in itself. However, after 18 months of gym, diet and
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 3 countless cycling training “programs” we were kind of ready to at least attempt it! The first day could not have got off to a worst start. The van had a flat and for the first time in almost a month the heavens opened up and we experienced torrential rain - in fact in rained solidly for the next five days!!! I constantly battled my cycle sat nav which was hell bent on taking me on really busy A-roads! The A30 in Cornwall is one that is very dangerous and there were times I felt really vulnerable however I heard Stevie’s voice telling me these words “I’ve got your back dad.” I used this sentence many times throughout the journey as some days where tougher than others. Lows include; being hit off my bike in Bridgewater, a constant saddle sore, a re-occurring knee injury, 11 days of constant rain, 30 mph headwinds in Scotland, snow and 18% hill climbs and getting very lost on a few occasions! The highlights, however, sure outweighed the tough days! Brief highlights include; our relationship absolutely blossomed, we fell back in love with each other; the scenery in this country is second to none and there were times the views of this countryside made me emotional; the help from people (mostly down to me getting lost). Visiting the TCF Memorial Garden in Perth and, of course, reaching the end!!! I would just like to thank a few people who made this possible; TCF, family and friends for their support and of course none of this would have been possible without my partner Su who was a complete rock throughout the entire journey. Some of the things I asked you do (especially around my saddle sores) are best kept to ourselves, but the support you gave me made it possible. For you Stevie Dad x Just for fun I got some stats together; • Total distance; 922 miles or 1483.8 kilometers • Average daily distance; 35.04 miles or 56.3 kilometers • Total time cycling; 95.36 hours or 3 days 9 hours cycling • Average daily cycling; 3.6 hours • Average daily speed 9.8 mph or 15.77 kph • Total climb; 48,818 feet or 14,874 meters • Average Daily climb;1,495 or 455.6 meters • Total calories burnt; 38,884 • Average daily calories burnt; 1,495 • Estimated RPM based on daily average of 9.8 mph or 15.77 kph; 70 • (Just for fun) Estimated revolutions for entire journey (based on averages); 400,512 • NO PUNCTURES!!!
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 4 We’re back in person! Bereavement support days We have been delighted to be able to welcome bereaved parents back in-person to 4 mini retreat days around the UK – Scotland, Hampshire, Derbyshire and Northern Ireland - offering support, understanding and friendship. Glasgow support day - September 2021 Bereaved parent Vera, writes about her experience of the Glasgow support day: On Saturday 25th September I attended the Compassionate Friends gathering in Glasgow. I was awake early in anticipation, feeling a little nervous about the day ahead. The following day my son, Peter, would have been gone 3 years, just didn’t seem at all possible, those 3 years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, deep heartache and sadness, misunderstandings and no guarantee that things would improve any time soon. So how would this day go? Who would I meet? How would I feel at the end of the day? I arrived all jittery and nervous, spilling my welcome cuppa and I went into the room, took a seat and all nerves were left behind at the door. I sat and chatted and talked about Peter to a bunch of strangers, but not really, I felt more comfortable than I had felt in a long time, they weren’t strangers for long. We were put into small groups, my little group was talkative and friendly and I felt we listened to each other. We heard each other’s stories, as sad and upsetting as they were, it felt good to talk. I realised how much I’d been holding in and wearing the ‘mask’, it felt good to let go and speak Peter’s name and tell people what a wonderful son he was and how lovely to talk about their children too. I later took part in the writing group and we all said we couldn’t write, how wrong we were. Once started it was difficult to stop, our feelings and thoughts coming through with pen and paper once again being able to talk and tell of our experiences. A different group in the afternoon, about the future and ways of coping, I thought maybe I’d said one or two silly things, whilst at one time I would have worried about that, I didn’t, I knew people would understand. I think that’s what it’s all about, getting together, say how we feel and what’s happened to us since the death of our child, without feeling wrong for doing so. Such a worthwhile thing to do, it’s the best way of getting rid of the feeling that somehow we should be ‘getting better’, ‘moving on’ ‘no longer grieving’ as I think people expect us to do. There is no wrong way to grieve, we grieve our own way, but it’s oh so good to get together and talk. I would recommend giving a day away with TCF a try, it’s last place you want to be, right? Yes and no, it’s the best place to be if you’re a bereaved parent. Romsey, Hampshire support day - October 2021 Sue tells us... Our daughter, an only child, died eighteen months ago aged 22, following a complicated and difficult life in which she suffered extremely poor mental health. Since that time, we have both been existing, getting through each day, waiting for a time to go back to bed, to try and block out the unbearable pain and loss of never seeing or touching a beautiful, creative, talented and caring soul, tortured by her own mind.
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 5 The prospect of having to talk about Etta to a group of people felt daunting. We signed up to attend a whole day session in Romsey with Compassionate Friends knowing that it would be difficult, emotional and traumatic. I had been avoiding and dreading the day but knew that it was time to start to try and face some feelings. As we drove to Romsey, we shared our fears and made a pact that if it was too much, we would leave together and be home by lunchtime, convinced that we would not be able to stay for the duration. The first introductions went well and the ease and friendliness of everyone at the centre was evident, through a shared experience of grief and loss. There was a clear sense of compassion and kindness from total strangers, all of whom had a story to share of a loved one whose death had come too soon. In small groups, and for the first time in a while I was able to talk about my daughter's life in a meaningful and unhurried way, to remember her and speak about her life, and her death. It felt ok to cry, to laugh and to just be me, because every single person in the room was reliving their own journey. We stayed for the whole day because it felt right to do so, to be allowed to cry without judgement, to be able to experience our own pain and the pain of others and to share in the collective sorrow somehow helped. At the end of the day I was exhausted. It was emotional, difficult and painful to share memories, but it was also nice to be able to speak openly about a daughter who was so loved and is missed every minute of each day. It has taken a few weeks to be able to process what happened on the day at Romsey. I do know that I felt different the next day, for the better, it’s a small intangible change, and I still can’t say what it is that has changed in me, but just being able to be amongst people who understand what I am going through without feeling guilty about upsetting people was good. Everyone was supportive and respectful and you just knew that you could say anything and be yourself, something that I hide every day in order to protect other people from the overwhelming grief and loss of my beautiful daughter. Jenny commented... “I just want to say what a wonderful event Saturday was. It was so comforting and reassuring to be among other bereaved parents who understand TOTALLY what we all individually are going through. It has uplifted me meeting and sharing our experiences and taking away in my heart those other parents and our beloved lost children. The Compassionate Friends is an amazing and essential charity for grieving parents. I’m overwhelmed at the volunteers’ compassion, commitment and time. It is absolutely something I would like to be involved with in the future. Thank you so much to everyone.” Derbyshire support day - October 2021
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 6 News and Comment from around our charity This autumn, we welcomed to TCF Jenny King, our new Events and Community Fundraiser, and Karolina Zwierzyk as our new Office Manager. Both are based in our London office. They join our dedicated and enthusiastic staff team and we are all looking forward to working with them in the months and years to come. We asked Jenny and Karolina to tell us a little about themselves. Staff focus Karolina Zwierzyk, Office Manager My role is to provide administrative support to the TCF staff team and volunteers as well as the coordination of the charity’s national office. I have been working as an office manager for a few years in both commercial and charity settings. In 2016 I travelled to Malaysia and became a volunteer in a facility for mentally disabled adults. It was a life changing experience. I have always felt I want to dedicate my time and skills to support vulnerable communities and that was a time that helped me to take a step towards that dream. Since then, I have volunteered in many settings, most recently by providing support to refugees and disadvantaged communities in Lebanon. For over a decade I have been a student of yoga, both on the mat and outside of it. I hope one day to use my yoga skills in my work with other people. In my spare time I enjoy furthering my knowledge about the history and politics of the Middle East. I am looking forward to working with my colleagues at TCF and will do my best to provide essential and valuable support to the work of the charity. Jenny King, Events & Community Fundraiser My route to TCF has gone via the world of advertising agencies where I planned and bought radio and press adverts for clients to marketing programmes for BBC radio 4 for over a decade. I founded an online fashion business with my husband, focusing on UK production and did everything from packing orders to trying on all the styles. I more recently worked in charity marketing both for the yoga and the hospice sector organizing events and sourcing income. I am really excited to move across into the world of fundraising and hope to be able to expand TCF’s routes to fundraising, extend the awareness of what we do and be able to further the support given by bereaved parents and siblings. I was bereaved as a child so have some understanding of the long route of grief and how it shows up in the most unlikely places. I can usually be found on the yoga mat for my mental health or at the theatre for sheer joy.
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 7 The Compassionate Friends are proud to announce publication of a new collection of poetry written by bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents. Forget-Me-Not Poems is a collection of poetry honouring our children gone too soon With over 100 poems seen for the first time ever, this beautiful and lovingly crafted book has been curated by David Bransby, bereaved father of Elliot who died unexpectedly in November 2019. This anthology is a compilation of the most beautiful and heartfelt poems, written in ever-loving memory of our beautiful children, siblings, and grandchildren. Forget-Me-Not Poems David commented, ‘It has been both therapeutic and heart-breaking developing this book, but I am so proud of the way that it has turned out. Through verse, bereaved parents & siblings present an insight to their journey of grief, to share with those so very fortunate not to be in this unwanted group, just what it is like to live with the pain of losing someone so very close to them. You can’t choose the hand that you’re played, but you can choose how to play it.’ With forewords by, Dame Stephanie Shirley CH, Gabby Logan MBE & Carolyn Brice CEO of The Compassionate Friends. Forget-Me-Not-Poems is exclusively available to order now. The £15.00 cost includes postage and packing. Order at tcf.org.uk/forgetmenotpoems All proceeds from sales go to TCF to help to fund our work with bereaved families. Men's grief project: we too grieve Julia would like your help I lost my 23 year old brother 2 years ago to an accidental overdose as part of his struggle with addiction, and bore witness to my parents losing their beloved child. I also saw how different the world treated and expected of my father versus my mother. We need to change the way we see and treat men experiencing loss. Over the next 9 months I am creating a documentary, and accompanying anthology, about just this. Please get in touch if you are interested in: • Contributing any poetry, thoughts, pieces of writing for the book on men’s grief (ALL men who have experienced loss. Can be anonymous or not) • Telling your story of loss and ongoing experience of grief for a small-scale, intimate short film (UK only; bereaved fathers and brothers) Email Julia at: mensgriefproject@gmail.com Please pass this on to other brothers/fathers/family and friends too.
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 8 Fundraising Round Up A warm thank you to all our fundraisers and donors - large and small Thank you to the team undertaking the Tour Dare Ride, raising funds for TCF in memory of the support that the families of 2 of their colleagues have received from our charity. Tour Dare Ride 2021 Thank you to the team undertaking the Tour Dare Ride, raising funds for TCF in memory of the support that the families of 2 of their colleagues have received from our charity. On the road again Our annual charity cycle ride was back to normality and more successful than ever for 2021. On Friday 20 August, 22 riders set off from our London offices to ride 80 miles down the Pilgrim’s Way and finish up on the beach at Whitstable. It felt great to get back in the saddle and out riding as a group again. Together for every mile After meeting at Rosebery Avenue at the crack of dawn, the riders headed south through London (dazzling the tourists on Tower Bridge with our sleek new 2021 jerseys). From there the group made every effort to ride together, offering encouragement and support as the route moved onto the tricky hills of the Kent countryside. There were several stops along the route which gave everyone an opportunity to rest up, and our amazing support team provided much-needed cups of tea and snacks to keep all the riders fully fuelled for the miles ahead. At around 5pm we arrived at our finish line on Whitstable beach. The sunshine even decided to join us just in time for the post-ride celebrations. Smashing our targets Fundraising this year has been a phenomenal team effort by everyone involved with the ride. We
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 9 How else can you help? • Asda Green Tokens Scheme Apply to the Asda Green Tokens Scheme asking for TCF to benefit from the scheme. Go to asdafoundation.org/how-to-apply to find out more. • Amazon Smile Shop AmazonSmile at smile.amazon.co.uk/ch/1082335-0, and Amazon donates to The Compassionate Friends, at no cost to you. • Easy Fundraising Shop via Easy Fundraising at easyfundraising.org.uk/causes/thecompassionatefriends and you can raise donations for The Compassionate Friends whenever you shop online. It’s easy to turn your everyday online shopping into FREE donations for our charity. There are 1000s of retailers signed up to the scheme, including some of the best-loved high street shops. To date we have raised almost £3000 from Easy Fundraising – sign up today and help us raise more. Legacies TCF has received a number of legacies recently that contribute towards the costs of running our charity. These legacies help to make long-lasting benefits to future parents who face the devastating effects of child loss. If you are thinking of writing a will and would like to know more about leaving a legacy to charity, please email stephen@tcf.org.uk or visit tcf.org.uk/legacy. originally aimed to raise £6000, but a combination of fundraising events before the ride as well as some amazing individual sponsorship efforts has meant that we’ve now raised over £9000! A huge thank you None of this would have been possible without the enthusiasm and hard work put in by the group. A massive shout out to the team of cyclists and the incredible effort that went into training and completing the ride on the day. And, big thank you to the TDR2021 team for organising the event and ensuring everything ran smoothly. Not forgetting our amazing support team, without their help the 80 miles would’ve been a lot tougher. You can still donate to this year’s ride via the Tour Dare Ride 2021 JustGiving page. Take on a challenge in 2022 and raise awareness and funds for TCF? TCF are partnering this year with Ultra Challenges to bring you a mix of different fundraising events for you to get involved in. There’s something for everyone from gentle walks along the Thames to 100km ultra marathon in the Lake District. You can walk, run or jog at your own pace, by yourself or with friends. If you have a team of colleagues who want to do an activity together there is also that option. There are 2 different fundraising options, pay a small fee and fundraise more for us or pay a larger fee and fundraise less. Just choose whichever one suits you. Caroline Vidler, one of our members, took part in the Three Bridges Trek last year and really enjoyed it. The challenges are incredibly well run and have strong Covid measures in place. If you do sign up please select SEE ALL CHARITIES and click on the tab marked Children and you will find The Compassionate Friends listed here. Any problems email jenny@tcf.org.uk.
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 10 Jo Booth remembers her mother, Beryl Ross-Bain On 8 October this year, we said goodbye to my wonderful mum Beryl Ross-Bain. Mum and I were always extremely close but became even more so after we lost my wonderful dad, John, ten years ago. Writing the tributes to mum and dad brought back many memories from 32 years ago when The Compassionate Friends became so important in our lives. A few years ago, I asked mum to write her life story. She wrote, “The perfect family, married to John, the love of my life, and our two wonderful children, Joanne and Howard, who I adored.” Life changed suddenly for our family when my brother Howard was tragically killed two months before his 21st birthday in August 1989. Howard was a student. He and his girlfriend were interrailing around Europe. While in Turkey they were struck by a car driven by a drunken driver. Howard died of his injuries. As a family we were devastated. Mum and dad, while supporting me, struggled to find the right help for themselves until one day they were contacted by The Compassionate Friends and gained support, care, understanding and ultimately friendship from being with and talking to other bereaved parents who understood, better than anyone, how they were feeling. Over time mum and dad became more involved and committed to the work of TCF and would meet with newly bereaved parents, giving them the support, care and understanding that they themselves had received. They also did much-needed fundraising. Mum wrote and published ‘What’s Cooking?’, a cookbook dedicated to the memory of Howard and to all parents who had lost a child. It was compiled from the favourite recipes of members of The Compassionate Friends and was a huge success. Mum also had an article published in a TCF magazine detailing how a new interest in keepfit had helped maintain her sanity. She decided on the first day that this was for Howard, and she took him with her in her heart and mind. Mum and dad attended local and national TCF gatherings, and it was at a national conference in Durham that they first met Joe and Iris Lawley, two of TCF’s founding parents. As Joe quoted in the lovely letter he wrote to mum after dad had passed away, “Looming on the horizon was the prospect of holding the very first International Gathering in the UK. I as Chairman was lumbered with finding someone who could run such an event. A colleague said to me ‘Go and speak to that man over there!’.” That man was my dad, John Ross-Bain, who had recently retired from his position as Head In Memoriam remembering Beryl Ross-Bain “In this photo mum is wearing a gold necklace that she always wore which is actually the TCF logo. I’m not sure if she had it made or whether they were made available but mum wore it all the time for many years!” Beryl & John Ross-Bain
Winter 2021 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 11 Glow of remembrance lights up Scottish town Sharryn McKelvie, TCF’s Regional Volunteer Coordinator for Scotland and Northern Ireland welcomed around 30 people to a special event in her local area - Biggar Remembers our Absent Friends. The loss of my son nearly destroyed me, but with the help of other bereaved parents from TCF I am here, learning to live my life without my bonny lad. Through understanding, hope, comfort and support I can battle my grief and immerse it with my love for Rory. I began working for the TCF charity early in 2021 and I believe passionately in the benefit of bereavement support, not just for child loss but for all our loved ones. As part of my role with TCF I have been working with other bereavement support facilitators throughout Scotland. A wonderful organisation called Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief is trying to create a Scotland where everyone knows how to help when someone is dying or grieving. Part of what they do, was to create the To Absent Friends Festival. Taking place every year in the first week in November, the festival is an opportunity, a reminder, and an excuse, to take time out to remember and celebrate the people we love who have died. The event Life Celebrant Iona Goldie went on to say “This is an opportunity for the people of Biggar to gather and light up this little corner of our town and let the memories of our loved ones, shine bright. And with our lights, we can bathe Biggar with a glow of remembrance and show the town that grief and love are just two sides of the same emotion – and that to experience and feel love and loss is part of what makes us human. So tonight we open our hearts and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them. And as we place our lights or tie our ribbons we remind ourselves of everything that made them special to us, the times we shared and precious moments together. We carry their stories in our lives. Let us shine a light for them now”. of Corporate Hospitality with Leyland DAF. Dad came on board, took on the challenge and arranged everything from accommodation and catering to co-ordinating, implementing and managing the full itinerary. As Joe said the most memorable event was the Memorial Service on 7th August 1994 in Coventry Cathedral where “more tears were spilled that day than anyone had or have since experienced”. Joe and Iris became dear friends of mum and dad. Mum and dad were the most amazing parents, grandparents and friends. They were so wonderfully kind, caring, humble, thoughtful and positive people. They were so very loved by so many and are so missed. They touched many people both in their everyday lives and through their work with TCF. It feels so very fitting that I have been given an opportunity to write this tribute to them both, and about a period in our lives when TCF was so very important to them. We will carry them in our hearts always.
Supporting bereaved parents and their families Support TCF by donating We cannot support bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents without your help. We appreciate any donations large or small. Donate online at tcf.org.uk/donate Online Donate by debit or credit card call 0345 120 3785 By phone TCF gratefully acknowledges all contributions. Opinions expressed in TCF News by individuals are not necessarily those of TCF, the Editor or Editorial Team. Please note that photographs submitted to TCF News must be of sufficient quality that they can be reprinted satisfactorily. TCF News is published by The Compassionate Friends (Ltd) - supporting bereaved parents and their families. Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2021 The Compassionate Friends (UK). Support during the Christmas & New Year holidays TCF National Helpline will be open during the Christmas and New Year period. UK Helpline 0345 123 2304 (10am – 4pm, 7pm - 10pm every day) e: helpline@tcf.org.uk w: tcf.org.uk @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk Coping with Christmas We have published a few suggestions for managing as we come up to this difficult time of year for bereaved parents and their families. Go to tcf.org.uk/copingwithchristmas
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