TCF News, Winter 2020

Winter 2020 - TCF Newsletter | www.tcf.org.uk 4 OCTOBER Thank you to Hayley Hayes for this wonderful review of Cathy’s talk. Like many others, I was initially sceptical over how supportive events would translate online. Events and support groups run by The Compassionate Friends are so much about being together, sharing tears, laughter, tea and hugs…a lot of warm, healing, oxytocin-surging hugs. Can joining an event via webcam from our separate living rooms ever hope to achieve anything near that sense of presence and connection that has become a lifeline to so many of the TCF community? After a warm welcome and introduction from TCF chief executive Carolyn Brice, author Cathy Retzenbrink ( A Manual for Heartache and The Last Act of Love ) told us she approaches online talks as if she’s in one room with her audience. And truly she did! As Cathy shared her story of finding hope following the loss of her brother Matty, her warmth, honesty and genuine desire to help her fellow bereaved transcended the screens that separated some 130 attendees. Cathy reminded us that while the loss of our loved one is terrible, tragic and unbearable, the reality of navigating the world without them feels impossible. The titular “grenades” of her talk describe how grief explodes like shrapnel, leaving the bereaved the “walking wounded”. The “guillotines” hark back to the paper choppers of school days, blades sharply slicing her old life from her new reality - an analogy we can sadly all relate to. She described how her family used to function as a vehicle, but with the loss of “vibrant, alive, clever” Matty, suddenly one wheel was gone and their car was scraping across the road – with Cathy now sitting alone in the back seat. Understanding and respecting that she, her mum and her dad each handled their grief differently was important to help them function in this new form. So how did she function? Cathy shared that earlier on in grief she turned to alcohol, but is now sober and has found healthier coping mechanisms: running, writing, even punching cushions to let out repressed anger. Supportive loving parents were a huge part of her recovery journey, along with therapy; not just one bout, but several chunks over the long game including EMDR for trauma healing. Continuing her bond with Matty has also been important, talking to him, waving to his remembrance plaque and allowing herself to feel his presence. “I have a relationship with him that is very joyous,” she shared. Asked by a bereaved parent how to help their surviving children, Cathy suggested “ turning up the volume on compassion on everyone, including yourself,” she said. “Retreat, hibernate and do a bit of wound licking – you may sometimes need to go to bed for the day.” Such an important reminder to honour our own process. Cathy’s renewed appreciation for both the bigger picture and the little things was striking. “I didn’t survive this to get wound up about the petty crap of daily life,” she said, relating the simple yet immense pleasure of her dad giving her a grapefruit when she runs to her parents’ house. She also shared how writing became a lifeline for her. You don’t need to write for others, but it helps to get it all down; to “write it out of me” as she did. Journaling and morning pages (three pages of stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning) are a couple of ways to do this. Grenades and Guillotines: Navigating Grief and Finding Hope with guest speaker Cathy Rentzenbrink