Grieving for our Pre-teen or Teenage Child

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends • As time goes on, we may want to enlist the school’s help in planning some kind of memorial for our child, such as a special service or assembly, planting a tree, dedicating a bench or a plaque, or establishing a prize or scholarship. Our child’s friends Once the initial shock of our child’s death has passed, we may begin to think about their friends who are grieving too. Finding ways to engage with our child’s friends or to include them in our mourning will require effort on our part, but can also bring us support and comfort. We may recognise in their friends the same qualities we loved in our child: their quirky sense of humour, or their enthusiasm for sport or music. These characteristics may help us to feel closer to our child, although they will also, inevitably, be a painful reminder of what we have lost. We will also need to be sensitive to their lead. Teenagers entering new chapters in their lives may not wish to continue to be in touch with us. It can be very hard to see our child’s friends carrying on with their lives when our child’s life has ended. Their milestones, such as changing or leaving school, going to college or university or starting work, can emphasise the fact that our child is not sharing these experiences. At the same time, through this sharing of grief, we may discover that some of our child’s friends grow into being our friends too. It can be rewarding in a bittersweet way to witness their journeys into adulthood and parenthood with the knowledge that they too still love and miss our child.