Grieving for our child who had disabilities or complex needs

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Other people’s attitudes Sadly, we live in a world where those with disabilities are not so readily valued in the community as their non-disabled peers, and are considered to make less of a contribution to society. Families with disabled children are often viewed with a mixture of pity and admiration for the way in which they manage their lives. Some people may not comprehend the depth of our grief. Even if some of us feel a degree of relief that our child is no longer suffering, our overwhelming sense is of the pain of our loss. Not everyone understands this. On occasion we may be on the receiving end of appropriate comments that can hurt deeply, especially if they imply there is anything positive in what has happened. There is no right or wrong in terms of how we choose to respond to insensitive comments, although sometimes planning in advance how we may react can help us feel a bit more in control. We love our child dearly. They mean so much to us, and we miss them desperately. This is something we will want to keep expressing. Like any other bereaved parent, our grief is incredibly hard to bear. Using our experience Our months or years, however few or many, of looking after our child will have taught us a lot. It is likely we will have developed resilience, patience and an outgoing concern for others, as we gained awareness of the many challenges people living with these conditions face every day. We perhaps have found strengths we did not know we had until we were put in a situation where we needed them. We may feel empowered to use what we learnt to cope with future challenges, although it is perfectly normal to not feel this way when our grief is fresh. Eventually we might decide we want to use our own experiences to help others. For example, we may choose to volunteer or fundraise for a