When our sibling has died by suicide

One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Guilt is a normal response to grief but it can cause us to cut ourselves off from the kindness and support of others. We might feel unworthy of their compassion. These are difficult feelings to work through. It can take a long time to see that nobody can control someone else’s actions, including those of our dear sibling. It was simply not possible or desirable to be at their side every second of every day, watching over them. We could never ‘cure’ our sibling’s emotional pain, however much we wish it. We loved them but we could not live their life for them. Anger “How could she leave me?! I feel she betrayed me.” “When my dad died a few months later and then mum the following year, I couldn’t help but blame that on my brother.” “ I was so angry that he’d let his life get out of control.” Anger is a natural and common part of grief, but particularly so in the grief that follows suicide. Sometimes we may project it on other people, sometimes on ourselves, and sometimes even on our sibling. We may feel they have let us down or caused unnecessary pain for our parents. Equally, we may be angry with our parents for decisions they made that we now look back on as being detrimental to our family. Perhaps we feel they failed to give the support our sibling needed. As with guilt, these are difficult feelings to work through. Talking with someone who is somewhat removed, such as a counsellor, might help us. In some cases, honest conversations with parents are also needed.