A nationwide organisation of bereaved parents and their families offering support after a child dies. Grief following the sudden death of our child
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends To be bereaved of a child is overwhelming. Our existence is rocked to its core. How can this be true? The death of a child can be even more traumatising if it was sudden. This may have happened as a result of a sudden health emergency or an unexpected deterioration of a health condition, a drug overdose, self-inflicted harm, violence, an accident, or the cause might initially be unknown. Our minds are filled with questions that often have no answers. The news hits hard. Whether our child was one year old, seventeen or seventy, we did not expect to outlive them. There was no chance to prepare, and there was no opportunity to say goodbye or to have final conversations. The thought of our child suffering is another layer of pain. Those dreadful moments when we learn of, or witness, the death of our child are etched in our memory forever. Our world comes to a complete stop in that instant and we feel out of time, out of place. The enormity of what has happened sends us into a state of shock. The immediate turmoil “I went over and over what happened, again and again, piecing together the order of events , trying to make sense of it all - what I was doing at that moment, what I did next, what happened to her, what people said, and what was done to try to save her. None of this would change the outcome, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it.” It is a complete shock to learn that our child has died, and we may not even believe it at first. Some of us react to this traumatic news with great emotion, crying or shouting. Others feel strangely calm and detached, which can lead other people to mistakenly assume that we are coping well. Grief following the sudden death of our child
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk If our child was young and living under our roof, we will face the painful reality of their absence at every turn. Clothes in a wardrobe, a toothbrush in a mug, a box of toys or books are all physical reminders that can cause great emotion. If our child was an adult and living away from us, perhaps in their own home and with their own family, we will feel their absence in other ways. As the terrible finality of what has happened starts to sink in, we may experience a bewildering range of emotions. Many of us repeat in our minds what exactly we were told at the time, or what we were doing when the news reached us. We may later remember this time period quite distinctly, or it could become muddled. We may be plagued with “what ifs” and “if onlys,” as we imagine scenarios with a different outcome. It is also quite normal for parents to feel some unfounded guilt that they were not able to prevent their child’s death. We may feel bad that we are still alive whilst our child is not. These thoughts can be hard to cope with alone, and it can be helpful to talk about them to someone trustworthy. If it is too painful to do this with close family members, a counsellor or support group may provide a safe space in which to talk. Anger can also surface, sometimes unexpectedly. This can be soon after the loss, or it could be months or years later. Often it is triggered by something which seems on the surface to be trivial. We may want to blame someone, or something, for what has happened to our child, and this feeling can be all-consuming. If it turns out that someone was actually to blame, we will have a lot to work through. Experiencing such overwhelming emotions could be new to us, and we may feel frightened or shocked by the changed person we seem to be. These are all normal reactions to grief, and as long as we find safe ways to vent our feelings, we will eventually find that our grief evolves and becomes more manageable.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Taking care of ourselves “I’ll never forget how hard those first weeks were. I was distraught and could barely stop crying. At first, I wavered between disbelief and despair. Then I lost all of my energy, physical and mental. I could hardly move or eat even a bite of food.” Shock affects our mind and body. It is quite normal in this early time to struggle with the most basic functions, such as loss of appetite, inability to fall or stay asleep, and feeling colder than usual. Warm drinks, light nutritious snacks or wrapping up warm in a comforting blanket can be a good idea. Some of us find a visit to the GP for a short-term remedy for lack of sleep is helpful. Even when the initial shock subsides, we may still have to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. Read more on coping with early grief: • Grief of the newly bereaved tcf.org.uk/griefofthenewlybereaved • Living with grief tcf.org.uk/livingwithgrief Letting other people know “I phoned her best friends and family. Repeating the news helped me understand what was happening. It didn’t make it better but it gave me a tiny bit of control.” “We weren’t ready to post on social media, but unfortunately a family member wrote ‘she was a lovely person’, so we had to decide very quickly to write an announcement. I felt resentful that I was being forced into announcing a tragedy before I was ready, but looking back now, I never would have been ready.” One of the earliest tasks following the death of our child is informing family and friends. Those close to us will need to know what has happened and how we are doing. It can be extremely difficult to keep repeating what happened, although for some of us, talking about it is actually helpful. It may be especially hard to tell other people when we ourselves are struggling to believe the reality of what has taken place.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk How exactly we inform other people will depend on the closeness of the relationship. Some people will need to be told face to face, or at least by phone. We will need to take into consideration what a shock this could be for elderly or vulnerable family members. For other people who are less likely to be so personally affected, we may avoid repeating ourselves by recording a phone message or posting a statement on social media. Alternatively, a trusted friend or family member may be able to help with the task of informing people, including organisations such as our child’s school or workplace, as well as handling calls and messages. Depending on the circumstances of the death, news may spread on social or even mainstream media. We will want to take control of the narrative as much as we can, but this is not always possible. Social media can be a source of great comfort as a “virtual memorial”. Even strangers may offer kindness. We may or may not choose to follow closely what people write. We may return to comments later on and find great solace. However, social media can also be a minefield of nastiness and misinformation. If our child’s death “makes the news”, then online conversations may deteriorate and become negative. If this is the direction that social media is going, it would probably be better to avoid it. Trusted friends could have a helpful role here, keeping us informed without us having to face hurtful comments directly. For more on this, see the TCF leaflet Our child’s social media and digital legacy tcf.org.uk/digital-legacy Print and broadcast media may also get involved. Media intrusion can be particularly upsetting when reporting is inaccurate and ill-informed. In dealing with the media, many of us have found it best to issue a short statement and photograph, then requesting privacy in which to grieve. A friend or relative may be able to help with this task. There are media ethics and guidelines that news outlets should adhere to. Visit ipso.co.uk and search for “Reporting of deaths and inquests”.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The law, funeral arrangements and other formalities In almost all cases of sudden, unexpected death, the police and coroner’s office will be involved. These legal processes can feel quite intrusive. There may be investigations and eventually an inquest. We or other family members may be asked to give statements. A child death review takes place after any child under 18 dies in the UK, usually run by an NHS professional. All of this can intensify and prolong our grief over many months, or even years. Every police force has legal duties, protocols and guidelines to follow, both in investigating an unexplained death and also interacting with next of kin. The police may be the ones who gave us the initial news. A family liaison officer may be appointed and we may be given a number to call. Many of us – but not all - have had positive experiences with individual police officers. Their professionalism and compassion can help us in our initial journey through grief. If we are our child’s next of kin, we will also have some immediate legal tasks, such as registering their death, collecting copies of their death certificate and making funeral arrangements. It will be up to the coroner’s office to decide when our child’s body can be released for burial or cremation. TCF has produced a series of factsheets with detailed advice about inquests and other legal proceedings for bereaved parents in England and Wales, as well as the Investigation of Sudden Deaths in Scotland. See: tcf.org.uk/legalhelp There will be other practical and legal issues if our child died whilst abroad. For more practical information on this subject see the TCF leaflet: See: tcf.org.uk/deathoverseas
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Coping with our grief “I used to sometimes daydream that my child was still alive. This makebelieve gave me a little respite for a few minutes. Then I started to worry that it was a sign of mental illness, but talking it over with a close friend, I realised that I wasn’t actually denying reality. I knew deep inside that he was gone. It was just a temporary coping mechanism.” We miss our child and desperately wish we could turn the clock back. We had no time to prepare for life without them. Our world has fundamentally changed, whereas everyone else seems to be continuing “as normal”. Our daily life may be very different now. Surviving the present moment will be our initial focus, but gradually, we will also come to realise just how much the future has changed. Events we may have looked forward to will now be overshadowed by sadness. It seems that nothing will ever be complete. We want our child to be remembered. Many of us bereaved parents find that spending time and energy on activities to honour our child and keep their memory alive helps us adjust slowly to living without them. This can be as simple as including our child’s name in conversation, telling stories and sharing memories, lighting candles or organising photos. Visiting their grave or some other significant place can provide a focus. Raising funds or awareness for a charity that is connected to our child’s memory or a cause they valued can be a positive experience. Going to places connected with happy memories or enjoying meals that they enjoyed are some other activities we may want to try. There are many more ideas in the TCF Handbook of ideas for remembering our child tcf.org.uk/rememberinghandbook Writing can be a useful and safe way of expressing the confusing emotions associated with the sudden death of our child. Physical exercise can also be a safe outlet for painful emotions. Gentle exercise such as yoga can be meditative and aid relaxation, whilst vigorous exercise such as running or boxing can be a way to express anger and leave us feeling calmer afterwards. Walking, or just being somewhere beautiful such as green spaces or by the sea can boost our mental health.
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends The emotions of grief can be overwhelming at times, and we may wonder if we will always feel such intense pain. By balancing our time between daily living and activities we enjoy, and on the other hand, taking opportunities to remember our child, we eventually find that the pain starts to mellow. However, grief is a rollercoaster and there will be times when it is more difficult. Occasions such as birthdays or the anniversary of their death will be hard. So, too, will be news reports about deaths from similar causes as our child’s. None of this can be avoided. All we can do is our best to learn to live with it. If we have other children, they will be grieving too, although probably in a different way to ourselves. We will need to decide how much detail we want to share with them about what happened to their sibling. In this, we will be guided by their age and maturity. We may become very anxious about losing another of our children and this could affect our relationship with them. Finding support “Nothing in a million years could have prepared me for what happened - the shock and the loss. I will never, ever get over it. All I can do is feel my daughter is with me and learn to live with my grief.” Being able to talk about our grief and our child is important. However, we may start to find that even supportive friends and family continue on with their lives apparently unaffected, whilst we are still enduring intense grief. In fact, some friends and family members may not be supportive at all. We could find ourselves feeling isolated. This is where The Compassionate Friends (TCF) can offer us a safe and supportive space. In TCF we will discover that there are other parents who have also been through this incredible pain. We can communicate with others who understand what we are going through, and this can make a real difference. TCF runs local support groups, larger meetings and online groups, as well as well as Facebook groups. See the back page for contact details.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk Finding support in different circumstances There are many circumstances in which a child or adult can die suddenly. There are organisations that offer support following deaths due to particular causes, such as: Sudden unexplained death in childhood. “SUDC” is the unexpected death of a child aged between 1-18 years that remains unexplained. Visit sudc.org.uk British Heart Foundation. Sudden arrhythmic death syndrome, or SADS, is when someone dies suddenly after a cardiac arrest with no obvious reason for it. Visit bhf.org.uk (search for SADS) Brake – the road safety charity and Road peace. Both are charities offering support for those bereaved through incidents on the roads. Visit brake.org.uk and roadpeace.org Survivors of bereavement by suicide. Visit uksobs.com TCF leaflets on coping with grief following specific causes of sudden death, such as accidental death, road traffic incidents, suicide, drug or alcohol use or murder. Visit tcf.org.uk/leafletscircumstances
One of a series of leaflets published by The Compassionate Friends Long-term issues It is quite common to keep reliving what happened to our child, whether we witnessed it or are reliving the circumstances in our imagination only. If our child’s death was not only sudden, but also traumatic, this cycle of thoughts and memories can sometimes lead to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). If we are struggling to cope with our thoughts, or if our grief is so overwhelming that we are unable to function day to day, we may need some additional support. Speaking with our GP or arranging to see a counsellor could be something to consider. It is important to be able to sort out our many thoughts and feelings following this traumatic bereavement. The search for answers about what happened to our child and why can be lengthy. Whilst some causes of death are obvious, some of us will never receive answers to what happened. There may come a time when we feel able to set aside the search and accept that there are no answers, but it could take us a long while to get to this point. There is no timetable for grief. Given the shock of our loss, it is unsurprising if eventually we look back and question how we acted when we first received the news. Some of us regret our decisions at that time, or wish that we had more control over what happened in the early hours and days. It might comfort us to realise that we did the best we could in terrible circumstances. Nothing could have prepared us for this tragedy.
UK Helpline: 0345 123 2304 | tcf.org.uk What comes next “The death of my child broke me. I lost all sense of self-worth and all hope for the future. It took a lot of facing into my grief, alongside support and patience from close friends and charities like TCF, to find my way forward. Now, years later, of course I still miss my child, but I am back on my feet. My life is fulfilling now. Still, I will never be who I was before.” The death of our much-loved child will always be with us, yet most of us find that whilst initially the world seems a desolate and dark place, gradually chinks of light and colour edge back into our daily lives. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve, provided we are not harming ourselves, and we each find our own way through. Although many of us find it impossible to imagine in the early days, we can find meaningful ways of living. This includes a continued relationship with our child, a relationship that is now based on memory. We find ways to honour them as we go forward, carrying them always in our hearts. As the terrible rawness of grief softens, what remains intact is our bond of love with our child, a love that continues and grows with us. Read more The Compassionate Friends has published a range of leaflets on different aspects of grief. All titles are available to download from our website. Some titles are also available as printed copies. These can be requested from TCF office and are free of charge for bereaved parents. The full collection of leaflets can be found here: tcf.org.uk/leaflets
General enquiries 0345 120 3785 info@tcf.org.uk TCF library 0345 120 3785 library@tcf.org.uk Call our National Helpline 0345 123 2304 The helpline is open as often as possible between 10am – 4pm and 7pm - 10pm every day. Calls are answered by a volunteer who is a bereaved parent. Email our National Helpline helpline@tcf.org.uk For more information and support visit tcf.org.uk Find us on social media @tcf.org.uk @TCFcharityUK @thecompassionatefriendsuk LINKEDIN @compassionate-friends-uk Dedicated to the cherished memory of our beautiful boy Jonathan Louis Bevan Molesworth, 1993-2024 In thanksgiving for his love-filled life Founder: The Revd Canon Dr Simon Stephens OBE President: The Countess Mountbatten of Burma Company No 04029535, Charity No 1082335 | Registered in England and Wales. ©2025 The Compassionate Friends (UK). 2025/4
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