We do not expect to outlive our children: it defies the laws of nature. All bereaved parents suffer much the same emotions of sorrow and loss. Our expectations, hopes and dreams for the future are ended, and our world has changed for ever. Our family unit will never be complete again, and every relationship within it has changed. If there are surviving siblings, they have the double problem of coping with their own grief as well as supporting us in ours.

Those of us whose adult child has died have to contend with some unexpected responses. One of these is that many people believe that, because the child was "adult", the pain of losing them is, therefore, much less. They do not appreciate that the role of a parent lasts for all of our lives, and the death of our child, regardless of age, makes us feel that we have failed to protect and support them. Our relationship with them could have matured from parent and child to equality as adults. We will miss the friendship that has grown from knowing and loving them over the years.

Many deaths of adult children are sudden and unexpected; some are the result of suicide or homicide. These deaths often require a post mortem, sometimes followed by an Inquest (or Fatal Accident Inquiry if in Scotland). Even when the officials are striving to be sympathetic, the proceedings can seem like a nightmare. Complications can arise if the death occurred some distance away, perhaps even abroad. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) produces a wide range of leaflets dealing with many of these different circumstances.

The tendency nowadays is for children to stay longer in the family home; so many of us who lose an adult child have not experienced their leading an independent life. We may have been supporting one who was physically or mentally ill, disabled or having difficulties with misuse of substance, alcohol or drugs. Their death will have left a huge void in our daily routine, adding further to our grief. Some children could have led unconventional lives, been involved in prostitution, living rough, or serving a prison sentence. We may then suffer a complex grief, with shame, guilt and regret mixed with our other emotions. (Reading TCF's leaflet Coping with judgemental attitudes may help us here.)

Our son or daughter may have left home, and settled in their own accommodation. We will have already adjusted to their daily absence, the changed routine and the empty bedroom. The sad task of clearing out their home may fall to us, as well as notifying everyone of the death and arranging the funeral. If our child was married, then our bereaved son- or daughter-in-law will be next of kin, and he or she will have the responsibility for planning the funeral, and all the legal matters dealing with the estate. We will wish to express our views, and help wherever possible, but must accept that they have the legal right to have their decisions carried out, however hard that may be for us to bear.

If our child had a partner, different issues may arise. There will be doubt about who is next of kin, and, in particular cases, disputes could start, at the very time when we are least able to cope with them. If we do have to deal with our son's or daughter's estate, this may be the first time we encounter the complications of executorship and administration. We will have to search through their personal papers to establish their assets and any debts. It could be helpful to seek the advice of a solicitor.

For those of us who are elderly, we may have become dependent on our son or daughter for companionship, support and security. Our child may have been relied upon as a driver, for example; now we are faced with the practical difficulties of day-to-day chores without their help. If our partner is still alive, we may have felt assured that, when one of us died, our child would be there to care for the one who was left behind. Most parents say they would have willingly died in their child's place. Older parents may have intense feelings of survival guilt, wondering why, after a long and full life, they should be alive when their child has died.

We may be lucky in being able to keep in touch with our child's friends. Some of them have been well known to us, some of them are new. We can discover extra dimensions of our child's life through sharing memories and photos with them. This will be mutually comforting because they, too, will have been affected by the death.

Many of us will have had good relationships with our child's partner, and will wish to sustain this. It may be that, after a time, the widowed son- or daughter-in-law wishes to live with a new partner or remarry, perhaps moving to a new home further away from us. It can be painful to hear grandchildren call a step-parent "Mummy" or "Daddy", but we have to accept this as a natural progression. In some circumstances, our child's partner may break off all contact with us. This is extremely hurtful. However, contact may well be resumed when the grandchildren are older and can make their own decisions.

Some of us are grandparents who have to take on the care of our grandchildren, temporarily or permanently. The children will need extra special comfort and understanding; this may be difficult for us in our own grief, and can be very tiring. Whatever our relationship with our grandchildren, it is best to answer their questions as simply and honestly as possible. When a grandchild's world has been shattered by the death of a parent (our child), the stability and security of their relationship with us will be a great strength to both them and us. They may feel that they can speak more easily to their grandparents than to their surviving parent.

Some only children die before they have started their own family. This can leave the parents without the probability of ever having grandchildren. The years ahead seem bleak and lonely. There will be no one to inherit our treasured possessions. Our family's name may die with us. (See TCF's leaflet Childless parents. )

The loss of a child of any age is devastating. In time, however, the pain ceases to be constant, and we are gradually more aware of the happy memories that our child has left. Although life will never be the same again, we can pick up the pieces, helped by the knowledge that there are still other people who need us. In the future, we will be able to have times of happiness and laughter again - impossible to imagine when we are newly bereaved.

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Where can I go from here?

The reading of this leaflet may be your first real contact with TCF. We hope that it has given you a little comfort, perhaps showing you that your pain and worries are shared by others. TCF publishes over thirty Leaflets , on different aspects of the grief which follows the death of a child. They are listed on the back cover of this one. All of them are available at no charge to bereaved parents and siblings (a small donation is, of course, always welcome). If you would like to hear more about our work, you could ring our Helpline: 0845 1 23 23 04 and you will be able to talk to one of our volunteers, all of them bereaved parents. You will be given the number of your Local Contact , who could visit you if you wish, and details of any Local Group which may meet regularly in your area.

Most years TCF has Annual Gatherings , to which all members are invited. There are occasional Retreats , when a small number of parents meet and meditate in peaceful surroundings. TCF runs a website on www.tcf.org.uk , which is increasingly popular. A quarterly journal, Compassion, is produced containing articles and poems written by our members about their experiences. Those who wish for further reading matter may borrow from our Postal Library, at

TCF Postal Library,
under1 roof,
Ground Floor,
5a New Road Avenue,
Chatham,
Kent,
ME4 6BG,
Tel: 01634 814146,

email:tcfpostallibrary@btinternet.com

General enquiries, and details of how to become a subscribing member and take part in our activities, may be directed to the Office at 53 North Street, Bristol, BS3 1EN, tel: 0845 120 3785, fax: 0845 120 3786, email: info@tcf.org.uk .

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