Latest news
"I had the booking information open on my phone for months"
In August we held a retreat weekend for parents who are bereaved of an only child or all their children in a venue close to Bath. 45 parents gathered together in the heart of the Somerset countryside to spend time together, sharing their stories, their precious children and their grief. Bereaved mum, Elizabeth came to a Compassionate Friends retreat for the first time and she has written about her experience at the weekend here.
"I had the booking information for this retreat open on my phone for months – reluctant to book it; reluctant to go anywhere and talk about this pain that was stuck in my throat and suffocating me since I lost my wonderful son in October 2021 aged 24. He was my only child and my meaning for life. Very last minute I did book this retreat and arrived on the Friday evening still feeling that I had made the wrong decision – I really did not want to talk about anything to do with my son and my loss; it was my private pain.
I am writing this review because I know now that going to this retreat was the best thing I could have ever done to be able to accept my situation.
Why is that you may ask?
Well for the first time I was around a group of people ‘who got it’!!! How we lost our children was different but we were all in the same boat – I did not have to explain the feeling; try to shield the person I was speaking to; manage the uncomfortable responses when people realise your plight. I could be free of all that pressure and for once just be with the pain I carried without filter.
It was the first time since that fateful day that I actually spoke about my beautiful boy. Two volunteers also in the same position of having lost their only child sat with me during breakfast on the morning of the second day and I found myself opening up and we shared tales of our children and we laughed. Laughing has been very rare and it felt good.
The rest of the weekend we had small groups where I felt safe to share and to be blessed by the courage of other parents to share their pain as well as how they were trying to put one foot in front of the other every day. During the weekend we had a group talk which echoed this sentiment of putting on ‘comfortable shoes’ to go on the journey of grief. During the weekend I also opted to attend a writing session this was very helpful – again another way I could manage my pain and move the crushing thoughts from out of my head onto paper.
On Saturday evening we gathered together as a group of parents; with the pictures of our children; read poems and lighted candles for our beautiful children. There was not a dry eye in the room but it was so beautiful.
Everybody’s own experience will be different but for me on this journey that I am walking on my own without any meaning, going to this retreat has helped me in so many ways. I left in awe of all the parents and in some ways it served as a new beginning for me, an acceptance that my heart is forever broken but that I have to find a way to keep going.
Thank you to all the wonderful parents that I meet for their bravery and also to the volunteers too. I also must mention the staff at Ammerdown who looked after us all and feed us so well.
I hope this helps someone decide to go on a retreat with the compassionate friends it might just be a first step to help you breathe again even if they are only shallow breaths".
AGM 2023 - 25th November
All are welcome to The Compassionate Friends AGM on Saturday 25th November at 2.15 pm in London the venue is the Friends Meeting House which is almost directly opposite Euston station - so really easy to get to. It's a lovely opportunity to meet up together, as well as hear all that The Compassionate Friends has been involved in this last year. It is also a chance for you to meet our Trustees and help to shape the future direction and activities of the charity.
We will have so social time with coffee/tea and cakes from about 4 - 4.45 pm after the business of the afternoon.
Any bereaved parent, sibling (18 years or over) or grandparent can attend, but according to our governing documents in order to have voting rights at the AGM you do need to be a donating member of TCF. https://www.tcf.org.uk/join/
We hope you will be able to be with us. Please book to attend if you are coming in person so we have an idea of numbers. Thank you.
Read the minutes of the 2022 AGM
Where were all the men?
Andy Pritchard shares his experience of the weekend retreat for parents bereaved by suicide or substance/alcohol use held in July 2023 at Woodbrooke in Birmingham.
"I am a bereaved father. My wife and I are grieving for our youngest son who ended his life in August 2018.
I decided to write that short piece about my experiences of my first retreat with TCF, particularly in the hope of encouraging more men to attend. I would thoroughly recommend it.
I haven’t been involved with TCF before and the thought of spending the weekend at a retreat with other grieving parents seemed crazy at first. Why would I want to put myself on that emotional roller-coaster ride again, especially with a large group of people experiencing their own turmoil?
Having benefitted from some small group therapy after my son died, I decided to embrace the opportunity to tell anyone who would listen about our fabulous son, and if I got upset and cried along the way then I would deal with it. I figured that I needed to take part in the hope that it might make my joyless life more bearable.
I’m not the ‘life and soul of the party’ sort of chap. I’m quiet and I’m quite happy with my own company. Finding myself amongst strangers that I would be with for a couple of days made me more anxious.
We both went up to our room to unpack and take a breath, then into the sunroom for refreshments and a natter.
Without exception, everyone I spoke and listened to was compassionate, completely accepting of me and my grief, and I loved that everyone seemed to understand without explanation.
Where were all the men? There were several of us, but it was clear that most participants were women. From my own experience of the weekend, the ‘men’s group’ session was particularly interesting, and I had an insight (for the first time) into other men’s grief journeys. There were many similarities to my own experiences but also significant differences. I realised then how much I had been missing that connection with other men who had lost their precious children to suicide.
I had the impression that a lot of thought had gone into the various talks, workshops, and activities. Everything I participated in was excellent (especially the Tai-Chi and writing).
I was sad to say goodbye to all the wonderful people I met, and I promised myself I would attend the men’s support day coming up in October".
****
Andy has also written some poetry and he has allowed us to share this powerful poem.
Anger
Like a perpetual Clouseau and Kato scene, waiting for the ‘surprise’ attack,
Only, it’s not funny.
It comes creeping like a Ninja,
And it hits like a wave.
All consuming, no escape.
I’ll call it Anger – to give it a name, but that feels inadequate.
I don’t see myself as an angry person,
When the Anger Ninjas strike,
I’m terrified,
Fight, Flight or Freeze?
My legs and mind choose different options, I’m somehow achieving all three at once.
I’ve been mugged, assaulted.
Turned upside down, all that I am, falling from my pockets onto the floor and bouncing away down the pavement. I’m exposed and empty.
Why am I angry?
I’ve been here before, of course, the impossible circular reasoning that comes with suicide.
I’m Angry that you’re gone,
I’m Angry that you’ve shredded my life without permission,
I’m Angry to admit, that life wasn’t as perfect as I pretend, and I didn’t do enough to change,
I’m Angry for all the things I said, didn’t say, did, didn’t do,
I’m Angry with Anger at someone I love,
I’m Angry that I’ll never know….
I’m Angry that I have all this love for you, and I’ll never see you again.
TCF 2.5 Challenge
This weekend is the TCF 2.5 Challenge! You have come up with walks, sponsored silences, a waterfall trek, teas and an amazing chocolate raffle (yum). There's still time to join in. Think of a challenge including the numbers 2 and 5 to celebrate our 250 volunteers without whom we would just not be able to offer the incredible peer to peer support for bereaved parents and siblings. Register and set up your fundraising page here https://www.tcf.org.uk/events/504-tcf-25-challenge/
The funds raised will help pay for retreats and bursaries for those who are unable to afford places at the moment. We will also use these funds to train new volunteers who are starting their supportive training with us.
Patrons Graham Seed, Danielle Nicholls and Dean Holden wish everybody luck in their challenges.
And remember if this weekend isn't convenient for you we'd love you to take on your challenge when it works for you!
Enjoy yourself and please share any photos with us using the hashtag #TCF25Challenge or send them to jenny@tcf.org.uk.
RSSSupport our work
Each year thousands of parents suffer the loss of a son or a daughter. Please help TCF to support families in their time of greatest need.
Tell us what you think
Whatever your contact with TCF we encourage you to give us feedback so that we can continue to improve our support.
